Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Out On The Edge!

Those who know me well know that I dislike walking on planks. Especially if it is placed across a drain and I had to walk across it to get to the other side. Last night, it happened again. I had to cross a plank to get to this place to listen to a talk. As I got nearer to the area where the plank was... I saw the steep sandy slope leading to the plank. I told myself... okay this is going to take awhile for me to get across. I felt my tears welling up because I know this is the worst thing to happen... I was about to be late for my talk and I can't cross this hurdle by myself.

My last resort was to call my friend who sent her boyfriend... My hero! Sigh... it was terribly embarassing! But my panic was real... this is my saddest reality. I felt like I was a 5 year old standing there. Finally, after much encouragement and coercion, I managed to walk over the plank. Now it wasn't so hard, was it? He said to me in a cheery manner... My heart was still pumping from the horrible reality. All I knew was I had to walk fast so that I don't have to get stuck in the middle of the plank.

Tonight I am still thinking about this... my friend's boyfriend asked me... why am I so afraid of walking across the plank? It was just a plank... To him, it was just a plank. To me, it was a mountain that I had to climb. It was a real high mountain. I was glad I did not cry after the experience. But deep inside I know I have cried a thousand times. I know I am brave for many things in life... but yet, a plank can stumble me so easily. Just a plank????

The problem is I was quite upset with myself... for being such a coward. It was just a plank! So many people walked past me and must have thought how silly I was to be afraid of this plank. Then I realised that it is okay to panick and feel afraid. Well, if life is full of such "planks"... then we all have to stand there and panick for a while... there are times we cope with it and there are times we cry about it. There are times when we stand there hoping to find some kind soul to give a helping hand. Somehow things will get better... and we can get over it if we put our trust in the person who is helping us.

When I crossed over the plank, I laughed loudly and felt silly. But when I was standing there... I felt the whole world has crashed... and I couldn't imagine crossing it. All I was thinking was to turn around and go home. How often do you wish to give up just at the point when you have done all you can but still no news of success? To wait is the most excruciating thing to do... when you don't even know if success is just around the corner... or when you don't even know when is your next meal. The truth is we can cross the plank somehow... if only we look ahead. Then we see the light at the end of that tunnel, we see the rewards just waiting for us, shining in the light of God's glory.

It was a most rewarding talk. I enjoyed it tremendously. Most of all, I crossed another plank in my life. I still don't look forward to cross more planks, but now I shall not say, "Oh no, not another plank!". Instead I shall say, "Help me, God to cross this plank!"

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Poem: Journey

From the moment we exist
We are here for a reason.
With time we will learn
A lifetime to discover
Who we are called to be

In the midst of this journey
I have wandered far and wide
When I fall and hurt myself
Is this worth everything?
Can I find my way back home?

Take one step at a time
Each lasting breath…
One wholesome life
Listen to your inner voice
Learn to trust your heart

Oh how many faces I greet
Along Life’s journey
They are the reasons to live
They have the freedom to go
Not mine to hold

What is truly mine?
Nothing can be kept away.
Everything dies in its own time
The process starts all over again
As sure as the sun will rise.

By momoko (2.4.2003)

Poem: Of Dreams and Promises

What lies behind a dream
Is the beauty of a promise

What lies inside a cave
Is the core of a heart

What lies beneath the stars
Is the waiting for hope

What lies beyond the sunset
Is the search for truth

What lies among the lilies?
Is the love of the Provider

What lies within God’s will
Is the path that built character

What brings us closer to God
Is the revelation of what is missing

What brings us deeper to Life
Is the realization of what is given

By momoko (14.9.2004)

The poem was inspired by Mark Gorman who preached about God’s Promises and His Will.

Poem: Live By Faith

I cannot see Your Hand
I cannot feel You, my Friend
By what faith can I live by
When life is so full of strife.

I live by my own wits
I live to serve my needs
All my life I have got
Misfortune as my lot

Perhaps I want it all
Counting each step when I fall
Maybe I am not fated
To receive what the bible stated

He says not by your might
Not by merit, or birthright
Faith is your heart responding
To my Love freely yielding

He says come and receive
Let go and believe
For I am real and alive
Embrace the gift of Life

(by momoko, 3.6.2004)

It is easy to base our faith on feelings and spiritual experiences… and when these feelings and experiences disappear, we start to doubt if God is real. My friend says she is not ready to be in church because she has not enough faith. Faith is not measured by units or efforts. Faith is the response in gratitude to our Lord and Saviour for His sacrificial love for us on that afternoon in Calvary. If faith is to be measured, then let it grow in time and space and be overwhelmed by winds and floods… it is so immense… it cannot be expressed adequately by mere words.

Poem: Longing

Oh friend, I want to be home…
Stuck in this foreign place
Missing all who are over there
Not knowing when is my time to go
Oh… I just want to know
Walking around so aimlessly
Just counting down each minute

Oh God, I long to be home
Placed in this land with grace
Missing all who have passed on
Not knowing when I would get to go
Oh how I long to know
Walking daily with Jesus
Just counting down each day

momoko (11.6.2004)

Being stuck in the Kansai Airport for 5 hours made me homesick quite suddenly. Sitting in the plane and watching the monitor telling me how far I am away from home was quite a strange feeling. I have always enjoyed going away and “running away from home”. But this time, I just wanted to get home. Perhaps this also prompted me to think about the parallel between us and Heaven. Although I don’t know when I will be home with God, I am sure glad I know where I am going when I pass on and who I am going to meet.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Poem: The Gift

If I’ve brought you an expensive gift,
And not given you a priceless message
It would bring you temporal joy
And leave me with dissatisfaction.

If I’ve chatted with you for many hours
And not shared with you about Jesus
It would give you such emptiness
And afflict me with a sense of loss

When the gift is insignificant,
Often the giver is easily forgotten.
Yet the truth of the matter is…
The gift is but the extension of the giver.

When the giver is generous,
Often the gift is deemed as important
Yet the matter of the fact is…
The heart is the inspiration of the gift.

Last year, God asked me for a gift
To give to Jesus uninhibitedly
My complex life that is so ordinary
To exchange for love that is overflowing!

Last night, God asked me to be a giver
To share with you ever so freely
My Saviour’s life that is so extraordinary
To savour life that is everlasting!

by momoko (26.12.2004)

This year, I could hardly afford any gifts for anyone as I have not been working for the whole month of December. I felt sad because there are many things I would love to buy for people, and yet, I remember about the importance of giving from the heart... There are a few of them that I didn’t expect to have a gift from them... they took me by surprise. I have been so busy with my rehearsals that I didn’t think much about presents this year as well. But I think it is never too late to give a gift. So I would like to give you a gift of God-inspired words. I was very much inspired by Pastor Dom’s sermon about the gift and the giver. His analogy about Nemo’s father, Marlin being likened to our Heavenly Father, his relentless pursuit to find Nemo touched my heart. It reminded me how God has pursued me with such love and devotion despite my stubbornness in the past few years.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Poem: Being Alone

Night falls as she sits alone by herself.
For once she is no longer afraid…
To seek a sense of integrity and inner peace.
For she finally understands and accepts,
The difference between loneliness and being alone…

How easy it is to be misled,
By flighty feelings and innate desires.
How vulnerable human beings can be?
To trust only the beating heart…
To allow people to manipulate our lives.

Once again she is naturally alone…
Far beyond the fiery sunset…
Somewhere amidst the lushful trees…
Out there in the deep blue sea,
A fragment of her dream unfulfilled…

Being with someone for the wrong reasons:
For the fear of being lonely
and growing old alone….
Holding on to broken dreams
and shattered hopes…
A case of misplaced pride and self-dignity…
Entrapping the person
into a temporary relationship…

Being alone for the right reasons:
To be by oneself so as to gain insight,
To be at peace with one's soul.
To accept solitude as the part
and parcel of life,
To allow silence to be one's teacher.

Once again, she is alone in her space.
Once again she sits and waits quietly
For the familiar tune that plays continuously…
For the meaning of her current life to see…
Being alone is not so bad after all.

(By momoko, 30/5/2000)

For many years, I wondered about this thing called loneliness and I have come to recognise that it is not the same as being alone. Loneliness is the endless emptiness within a soul... of not having a beloved one to hug or being listened to and understood. Being alone is the choice of having solitude within a given time to ponder and reflect about one's own life. Yet, this idea of being alone just vexes me all the time, because there is a very thin line between loneliness and being alone. I don't think it is a good idea to dwell in self pity when one is lonely. Yet, it is not a good thing to choose to be alone all the time either. No man is an island... no man stands alone!

The question is how do we find the right balance? I think it is important to know who we are deep inside. It means that we need to know if we are the type that needs companionship, the type that needs space or the type that needs solitude! We need to claim that for ourselves. When I hear about other people's sad love stories, I find myself asking the person... are you comfortable with being alone? do you know the difference between loneliness and being alone?

Really... how many of us can stand being lonely for long periods of time? How many of us understand the need to be alone? When I look back at my own life, I see the times when I am lonely... I made the most mistakes. When I see the times when I am alone, I made the best decisions! So there are good reasons to be alone after all...

Hence, my inspiration for this poem...

NB: This poem has inspired a song that was written by my friend, Eu Jin and it is now recorded in the album "Picture of Us" currently sold in all CD shops and stores!

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Poem: Cry… My Beloved Child

I have failed the tests
I have spent all my money
I have lived my wild life
I have tried my best
Daddy, will you still love me?

I can’t be your good child
I can’t stand being told what to do
I can’t help running away
I can’t stand your nagging
Mummy, will you still love me?

I need more time
I need my space
I need to breathe
I need to take control
Dear, will you still love me?

When I look at you
When I see myself
When I stay away
When I come home
God, will you still love me?

By momoko (6.3.2005)

I wrote this during a recent 3-day workshop I attended. I found the inner voices so loud that I could only write them out into a poem in order to make sense of them. Perhaps there is something that you can identify which resonates with being your inner child.


It feels good to be home. When I came back from Arizona, I was sick with a throat infection that lasted for my whole trip. I felt quite irritated since I could not even make much sounds with my scratchy throat. The whole trip was just me trying to get better each day. It made me remember of the time I almost lost my voice during my uni days. For a few days, I could not speak at all. That was the most helpless feeling I have ever felt and losing my ability to speak was a nightmare for me. I felt like... this is it! This is the end of my world... what happens if it is permanent? If I can't ever sing again. Why do I feel so powerless?

Finally, I am well again. I can speak volumes now. But do I speak with love and care? Many times I can open my mouth but end up saying the wrong things or making no sense at all. How many times do I say but not do something? How many times do I speak with fear and tentativeness in case I offend someone? How many times when I know the truth is with me and yet I keep silent because I do not believe in it enough to share it with my friend? Perhaps today as I speak to you, listen to what I have to say and not said... ask me questions if you feel that I have not said enough.

Perhaps then I will learn to let go and let the truth comes out. :)