Saturday, December 13, 2008

Que Sera Sera (Part I)

For the second time this week, I lay awake in my bed. I know it has to do with the current matter that is bothering me. My first instinct is to question and figure what went wrong. My second instinct is to cry. My third instinct is to talk to God and ask Him why and what I can do.

I am lost for words! I felt God knew. What can I say? The matter seems out of my hands. What needed to be said were said. What's left of it is rotting in the cold air that comes and goes in this crazy weather.

Just when I think I knew everything about her, I know now that I know nothing. According to her, I have apparently caused her to feel burdened whenever I felt insecure in the last 3 years. According to her, my issues have been the direct and indirect cause of her physical ailments and sufferings. You know, this is the first time I feel that I have affected someone so negatively. I actually caused so much agony to someone. To the point that we cannot even belong to the same group any more. Wow!

When I was younger, I used to rant like mad whenever someone accused me falsely. I usually shut down and alienate the person. It was simple! But now that I am older and hopefully, wiser, I start to search for reasons that justify why my good friend is so mad with me. You see, whatever I say now, has a total different meaning as it reaches her ears. It feels like there is a distortion between what has been said and as it goes from my space to her space. I see a very hurt individual who winces at the words that I say to her. What happened to us? What happened to her? What happened to me?

Next week... time on my own... time to breathe... time to ponder...