A Little Psalm

It took a song
To remind me of Your love
A love that was paid in blood
Your love has won my heart

That year in a little room
My tears knew no bounds
But You reminded me
You love me in spite of everything

I have failed you
Seventy times seven
Yet I see you running
With open arms
Today, this song begins again
The tears start to roll
A gentle reminder of Your stubborn love

by momoko69
30.10.2010

Changes Part 3

When I make a significant change in my life, the people around me have to make a change too. Last night, I was watching the movie Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang with my best pal. Our usual practice would be to buy a portion of nachos with melted cheese or a medium mixture with sweet and salty popcorn to share. But I had to refuse the nachos ritual and contend with my nut and fruit mix which I bought from Carrfour. I felt terrible that she had to eat the nachos all by herself. There were a few times I felt like caving in and grab a few nacho chips. But I remembered my resolve and the tough workout I had at the gym yesterday. I could not waste all that efforts! So I chewed my mulberries and almonds very slowly and enjoyed my movie thoroughly. This morning, I woke up with a happy feeling that another significant change in my eating habits has been made. Breakfast will never be the same again. I decided to take two slices of bread with freshly made peanut butter. Energy food keeps me going! Lots of water and complex carbohydrates will be my choices for today. My poor mum has to go along with me as well. No more lontong, roti-pratas, fried beehoon in the morning! She has to change her mindset on what makes a good breakfast. So I want to apologise to all of you will eat with me from now on. I will continue to make these changes and I hope you won't mind making such a change with me.

Changes Part 2

I don't know about you but I am a night owl. I work best when I am up late at night. Maybe it is the lack of smses and emails to answer, I feel free to plan programmes and get creative and stimulative ideas. But lately, I had moments where I am too active in my cerebral activities that I ended up having disturbed sleep. I would sleep for a short while and wake up suddenly because an idea came to me. The whole process makes me tired and grouchy when I wake up in the morning.

A new change for me is to sleep by 12am. You might be thinking that is still late. But for me, it is still early. You see, my earliest time to bed is between 2.30am to 3.30am. By the time I really lie down in my bed would 4am. That really knocks out my internal body clock. For now, that is my first step to rectify this issue. I am trying this out. By 11.30pm, I should be relaxing in bed listening to my favourite music. Perhaps now I can finally stop using the excuse of being an owl and find a new identity in being the rooster that I was born to be!

Changes Part 1

It is so easy to start a new unhealthy habit. I picked up the habit of having a snack as a reward for every teabreak time. Especially on those days when I did not eat a proper meal or had a stressful day, I would tell myself that I deserve a snack later. Then I would make unhealthy choices as a reward meant I should be nicer to myself.

These days when I want to have a snack, I bring one along in my bag. It is usually an apple. If I know it is going to be a long day, I would bring two apples. It is a conscious choice and effort for me.Going to the movies also meant unhealthy snacks for me too. I love to eat and watch movies, it is a conditioned response. How many of us can stand before the popcorn counter and resist the temptation of buying a combo pack which consists of popcorn/nachos with cheese and drinks? Honestly, I ate an apple the other day when I was watching the movie "The Killers". I actually felt good. With all the smells of popcorn, hotdog and chips, I am eating something that is healthy and going to benefit my body.

Wow! It was a revelation! As I threw away my apple core and walked out of the cinema, I could almost hear my gym trainer say, "well done, my sheep!"! Ha! One obstacle conquered this time and I felt proud of myself.

The Distance From Me To You

A hundred steps away
Your gaze paralyzes me
I can hardly breathe
No one is fairer than thee

Another 50 steps to go
Your heart bleeds again
I wait for your signal
Never to be seen

All 25 steps and counting
Your tears beckons me on
I just want to call out
Not by title but by name

Just 10 steps more
Your soul connects with me
I listen and smile
No one understands you but me

All it takes is one more step
Your life was but a game
I can tell you this
Nothing is worth gaining when I lose you

by momoko (6.5.2010)

A poem inspired by the dying moments of Bi Dam before Queen Deokman in the korean drama show "Queen Deokman"

~A-Poem For You~

Alone...
Alone at the bus stop
Alone at the movies
Alone in my thoughts
Alone is my walk
Alone...

Apart...
Apart from the schedules
Apart from the crowd
Apart from you
Apart from my heart
Apart...

Again...
Again in the dark
Again from the start
Again in my dreams
Again under the moon
Again...

by momoko (5.5.2010)

This poem was inspired by the sheer overwhelming loneliness I felt around me while sitting at the bus stop after work and a sharing by a girl friend about her life right now.

Who Am I, Lord?

I am nothing without You
Zilch even with all that is within me
Devoid of the facade that I create
Empty is my spirit that yearns for Your voice
I am made complete in You
Fulfilled in wholeness of being
The sum of all the parts
The missing piece that came home
I am humbled before You
When what is perfect meets daily inperfections
I take no delight in bragging my achievements
For You alone is my Glory.

by momoko (29.3.2010)

The Heart of A Father

He watches as his son takes his first few steps.The little one has just begun the first year of his life, his dad ponders. What should he do if he falls before he can catch him? He finds it hard to imagine that scene but deep down he knows, falling down is part of Life. The struggle to get up is so familiar and yet so essential to him.

“Wahhh!” his son cries so pitifully. He closes his eyes and begins to pray in his heart... “Get up my child, you can stand up because you have me cheering you on, I stand here with my watchful eyes and open arms, seeing you cry and struggling to get up hurts me more than you can imagine, but I have given you my strength and courage to stand and take a step forward. If I hold your hand all the time, you will cling on to me and not learn the value of independence. In time, you will slowly but surely dislike me for controlling your movements as I will want to protect you from possible harm.”

So he has to let go… to let the little one fall and feel the hardness of the ground, take painful steps to stand upright and struggle as he finds his inner balance to stand. He thought to himself, “I may have let you go in the process, but I have not given up on you. I have not walked away. I am here standing in the shadowy darkness of your silhouette. I have always been here.” Just as the little one is about to fall the second time, he rushes forward to hold him up. Just enough to steady his steps. Then he smiles quietly as he moves away for his son to take the next step.

Henceforth You Shall Be Called Faithful

That is my name from now on. It took me a long time to realise this. I thought it was easy since I was a good girl. But I was so blinded by who I wanted to be. I took a long walk and ended up at the crossroad. In the end, I learnt to be a child first. I learnt who my Father was. I felt like an orphan for the longest time. But once I got to know Him, I started to take Him for granted.

It is always like that, isn't it? When you are close to someone, you start to forget to communicate and take for granted that what is not said is meant to be understood. But in life, relationships need communication. I don't know how I became more and more complacent. I expect things to happen when I ask Him for help. I take it that since I am His child, He would do everything I asked.

But it is not like that, isn't it? It is a relationship that requires much time, love and care. Just like any human relationship. If you love Him, you need to spend time with Him. If you want to know Him, you need to read His Memoirs to understand His Thoughts, Ideas and Beliefs. In understanding Him, I need to take time to build a deeper relationship with Him. In loving Him, I need to trust Him through actions and not just words.

This is my name. Faithful till the day I die. I used to want you to call me other names. Beautiful, Blessing, Gifted, Joyful, Loving, etc. Today, I have a new name and this seems most comfortable! As the song goes... I will follow you, follow you wherever you may go! Lord, let me be able to come before you one day and hear you call me by name.

Boundaries

Do you have any boundaries? I am sure you would say you have. I have crossed quite a few people's boundaries in my lifetime. Sometimes I step on people's toes, sometimes I find myself speechless after a barrage of words being thrown at me due to the crossing of certain boundaries. Most of the time, I feel myself eating humble pie for not knowing how to keep within the boundaries of others.

You see, when I was growing up... I never knew much about boundaries. Where I was not supposed to go, I have been there. I never just interact with people of my age. When I was 12 years old, I chatted with people who were in their 20s and 30s. I could carry a decent conversation and never felt out of place. I never knew such a thing as boundaries. When I was 16 years old, I was counselling people I never met over the phone about relationship issues. Perhaps it was the fact that I didn't know any boundaries, I had some regrets over decisions I made over the years.

I used to think boundaries would restrict the freedom to speak and the catharsis of sharing. So I never kept real boundaries for the longest time. However, as I get wiser *smile*, I realise the wisdom of respecting boundaries.

1. Being silent about things spoken to me and not share everything I hear to my good friends.
2. Keeping mum for the moment although I want to ask questions about the who, where, what and why.
3. Learning when to let someone in and when to keep someone out so that I don't get emotionally drained.
4. Appreciating the beauty of waiting for the unknown and the unspoken.
5. Respecting others' need to blow up in my face and knowing that this is not going to destroy who I am.
6. Allowing myself time to grieve over lost friendships and not try to save it so quickly like I used to do.

Perhaps this is integral of the process of growing up...

*chuckles*

The Grieving of Loss - A Process or The End?

Max Lucado described grief as "the black bag of sorrow" and he puts forth so aptly...


Grief lingers. As silently as a cloud slides between you and the afternoon sun, memories drift between you and joy, leaving you in a chilly shadow. No warning. No notice. Just a whiff of the cologne he wore or a verse of the song she loved, and you are saying goodbye all over again. Why won't the sorrow leave you alone? Because you buried more than a person. You buried some of yourself. {Max Lucado ~ Travelling Light, pg.90}


When I was much younger, I experienced a sorrow that as a child I never really understood. I cried because I missed my dad. Everything around me reminded me of him. I am sure it was hundred times or thousand times worse for my mom. A large part of her probably died with him too.

Recently, a friend of mine experienced a similar loss. Her dearly beloved husband passed away due to cancer, a condition which took no more than 6 months of suffering and God took him home last week. Right now, I am sure that she is experiencing the similar feelings and thoughts that Max Lucado was writing about. In fact, I gathered from our common friends that she is suffering and experiencing a great sense of grief.

Where do I begin to comfort her? I found it hard to face her and yet to go and visit her. To me, death of a loved one was a period in time that I don't want to revisit. I find it hard to sit through a funeral wake without feeling detached or awkward. The truth is I find it hard to face grief without triggering my own. Of course, it has been a long time ago and I have received much help through counselling and healing from God. A part of my fear long buried away tends to surface whenever I encounter yet another funeral. I know that I am a deserter when it comes to grief. I struggle whenever I am asked to attend a funeral wake.

I can accept that death is God's way of telling us that it is time to go home. I imagine that my Christian friend in his last hour would have been looking towards Heaven and connecting with God. But his wife who is left behind is the one that have to face the empty and lonely days ahead. Who are we to tell these people to move on and get on with their lives? With all our good intentions, much to the chagrin of the grieving person, we become the cause of their deepened sorrow. Some people just take a longer time to grieve. For many people, they just have to walk through the long alley of loneliness and the tunnel of self pity before getting to the bridge of hope.

I guess if we can see this as a process and a much needed one, we stop all that talk about moving on quickly. By allowing the grieving person to move at their own pace through this much needed process, it allows her to take ownership of her own feelings and thoughts. It also gives her full authority to decide when the day of moving on will be. God has made us to be discerning people and He has given us the Holy Spirit to teach us everything we need to know (John 14:26). He has promised to be with us through it all (Rom 8:38-39).

So at the right time, my grieving friend will move on with the help of the Holy Spirit. For now, I just have to sit next to her, hold her hand, let her cry and let her talk about her grief. Most of all, I will pray that she recognizes God's presence in those lonely moments of her life when no one is around with her.

Can you understand? Will you do the same for someone else?

Where Charity is... Love Prevails

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Charity. He had a heart that was so big, he wanted to embrace the whole world. When he was young, he understood that people around needed love. So he would go around to give love to them. Whenever he gave away some love, he would be filled with love almost immediately in return. You see, he had a loving father who loves him dearly. Each hug Charity gave away, he received ten times more from his father. He knew he had an everlasting supply of love as long as he stays close to his father.

One day, Charity met a girl named Self. She told him that he should keep some love away as reserves. "No one would notice that you kept some for yourself" said Self quietly. He listened and thought to himself. It sounds rather logical to him. Hence, from that day forth, whenever he gave love away, he would keep a handful of it tucked away in his pocket where he also kept his secret stash of sweets. The ones he kept away from prying eyes and hands. Self reminded Charity, "After all, what happens when you leave your father one day? What are you left with? He can't be with you all the time. He is so busy with his other children. Sometimes, you don't seem to be able to reach or connect with him. So it's better to keep some love by your side. Your father will be pleased with your prudence."

Charity was convinced and he went about his usual ways. But as the days went by, the handful became a bit more than a handful, then it was an armful and more. More and more love were kept as reserves. Charity thought, "No harm keeping for a rainy day. My father will be proud of me." Soon the people around him felt cold towards him. They could not understand why Charity had become so calculative these days. He was not the same person as they once knew.

One day, Charity's father asked him to sit down for a chat. He told Charity that he noticed that he has been rather quiet lately. No more smiles and no more dancing on a sunny day. Charity shook his head when his father asked if he was unhappy that he could not be around some of the times. Charity grinned as he shared with his father the bags of love that he had accumulated over time. He was sure that his father would be pleased. His father took one look at the bags. "What have you done?" he exclaimed and sighed very deeply. "Love is meant to be given away freely! When it is kept for selfish reasons, it grows bitter and can no longer be the same again." You see love given away will always return in abundance. Then when you give it away, there is always more to share."

Charity looked into the bags of love and discovered that they had turned mouldy and stale. He knew then that these bags of love could no longer be used by anyone any more. He felt so bad about wasting all that wonderful love. How could he forget what his father had told him? He knew he had to say sorry to his father. He told him that he would not do that again. Immediately, his father hugged him tightly and Charity felt a nice warm feeling creeping back into his heart. He knew that he was filled with love once again. He went out and gave away that love immediately to an old lady who was crying while sitting on a bench in the park. He sat there next to her and at the right moment, he left her his shoulder to cry on and a hanky to blow her nose. It was a simple act of love for that day. His father beamed with pride as he watched his son walked the old lady home. In his heart, he believed that Charity would continue to grow with love and give selflessly and someday, he would someday be a wonderful father to his own son.

When was the last time you gave love away?
by momoko (19.1.2009)

An old  Catholic song goes....

Love it was that made us
And it was Love that saved us
Love was God's plan
When He made man
God's divine nature is love
Born of God's love
We must love Him
That's why He made us to love him
But only when we love all men
Can we partake of God's love

1 Cor 13:13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

Que Sera Sera (Part II)

Each time I think about it, I come up with a new rationalisation or a new perspective. Funny, isn't it? It is so human to think and think about an incident, replay that situation over and over in your head. Looking at it from different perspectives and wondering what you could have done to rectify the matter.



Each time I wish I could change the result of how things turn out. If only I notice the change in her... if only I have been more aware... If only... If only. I wanted to take time to ponder over everything, even time to rant about how I felt misconstrued. But in the end, I just took time to enjoy being alone, to meet new people, enjoy new environments... I wanted to take time to write out how I felt... I ended up writing about what I saw, what I did and how I felt about those things. Hahaha... so much for taking time... during my KL trip.



In the end, it was when I came home that I actually had the chance to think about everything. I took some time to reflect about the friendship. The conclusion is simple. Nothing I can do now can change my relationship with her. Things have changed drastically. When the truth of the matter is out, I can only face it with much assurance that God is in charge of it.

Que sera sera... goes the song! So I am letting go. Letting go of the memories... letting go of the words exchanged... letting go of the disappointment... letting go so that both of us have a chance to move on!

Thanks for listening...

Que Sera Sera (Part I)

For the second time this week, I lay awake in my bed. I know it has to do with the current matter that is bothering me. My first instinct is to question and figure what went wrong. My second instinct is to cry. My third instinct is to talk to God and ask Him why and what I can do.


I am lost for words! I felt God knew. What can I say? The matter seems out of my hands. What needed to be said were said. What's left of it is rotting in the cold air that comes and goes in this crazy weather.

Just when I think I knew everything about her, I know now that I know nothing. According to her, I have apparently caused her to feel burdened whenever I felt insecure in the last 3 years. According to her, my issues have been the direct and indirect cause of her physical ailments and sufferings. You know, this is the first time I feel that I have affected someone so negatively. I actually caused so much agony to someone. To the point that we cannot even belong to the same group any more. Wow!

When I was younger, I used to rant like mad whenever someone accused me falsely. I usually shut down and alienate the person. It was simple! But now that I am older and hopefully, wiser, I start to search for reasons that justify why my good friend is so mad with me. You see, whatever I say now, has a total different meaning as it reaches her ears. It feels like there is a distortion between what has been said and as it goes from my space to her space. I see a very hurt individual who winces at the words that I say to her. What happened to us? What happened to her? What happened to me?

Next week... time on my own... time to breathe... time to ponder...

The Heart of A Teacher

Today, I had to do something to him. He did not finish his homework as agreed previously. I was utterly disappointed by his actions. So I had to make him face the consequences of not doing part of his agreement. He looked pretty sheepish to me. I called his mom and told her about what I have decided to do. She agreed that it was fair. So I walked out of the session feeling quite upset and disllusioned. I felt that I have never been so harsh to anyone before. No matter how angry I got, I have never walked out on anyone. I have given my students many opportunities to make up.

I made a second call to his mom and she told me that he was rude to her and felt that she was gleeful about his demise. I was disgusted at his attitude towards his mother. The fact that he was punished was not due to her but due to his own actions. Yet, I felt he pushed all blame to her. How can anyone be so rude?

I felt so irritated that I started messaging a few of my friends and lamented about how we are bringing up brats in our present society. I was quite disllusioned by the time I was done complaining. However, a friend of mine asked me, "What would Jesus do?". That stumped me! He would not give up on this boy. He would pursue him with relentless belief. It also occurs to me that this is what God goes through with me...

Each time I fail to deliver what I promised.... God sighs.
Each time I said something and forgot all about it... God sighs.
Each time I take a long time to tithe... God sighs.
Each time I shouted at Him for not giving me what I want... God sighs.
Each time I use my time to do other more interesting things than to study His Word... God sighs deeply.
Time after time, He forgives me... He gives me opportunities to change...
Time after time, He allows me to come back even after I fail him in so many ways. On some of these occasions, He allows consequences and situations to teach me a lesson.

So I relented... I know I too in my own ways have been like my student. In his heart, he probably grumbles and whines about how unfair I am. But I hope he understands that I do it for his own good. To let him understand that we are all accountable for our actions. I feel humbled by the whole experience. I don't regret walking out on him... in fact I am thankful.

For I have a deeper revelation of the heart of My dearest Teacher

~ JESUS ~

(19.6.2008)

A Note To Myself: To Wait or Not to Wait

We are just friends so I don't expect much from you
All I hope is that you remember my sms was an invitation
Just to meet and chat about life and things to come

We don't even meet that often, just once in a short while
When we do meet... time would just pass us by
I guess it feels like you never received my sms

This was a really perfect weekend for me
No work, no extra-curricular activities
I had it free so that I can do something fun

I waited and waited but heard nothing from you
So I figured you got busy and forgot
I won't intrude into your space as I respect you

But it wasn't because of you that the weekend was crappy
It was my realisation that I did not sms anyone else
It reveals how I do not do much to change my situation

I made an important decision today
I am not waiting any more for anyone
I will take good care of the time I have left

A new beginning for a new Anne
Perhaps someone else will do the waiting for once
The choice is really up to him/her

(15 June 2008)

Faith in Many Colours

a green sapling emerges
tenderness in his hands
as beauty awakens
embracing and believing

fading yellow shades dissipate
departing from his arms
as time deliberates
maturing and nurturing

leaves in brown and black shadows
crumbling into his hands
as faith dies
humbling and reflecting

golden oil drips upon dying leaves
anointed by his hands
as faith re-awakens
renewing and refreshing

This vision was given to me during a Sunday service at Trinity Christian Centre. I felt very touched by the imagery and decided to pen down these thoughts. My heart was becoming dry brown leaves recently as I got busy with work and interests. I felt farther away from His love and attention. But when I got up to meet God in His inner santuary, I am thankful that He reminded me of the importance of being "oiled" by Him on a regular basis. Praise God for sharing this vision with the lady who prayed over me. It gave me great hope and encouragement that God has not forgotten me and His promises to me.

反省

當心門一打開, 心就會碎了

當心門一關上, 心卻冷了

不怕心碎, 只怕心会僵硬

为何把心门打开

是为了全心去爱

为何把心门关起来

是为了多爱自己一点点

这一路来, 真的好累啊

这一回要为自己争气

朋友，为我加油吧！

有一天奇迹会出现的!

Waiting for A Miracle

I believe in miracles. Not just because the Bible tells me so. God has His Ways of showing us what He has in store. In my life, I hear many incidents of people telling me how God has provided them in occasions where they have lost hope initially. I know I cannot convince you about something that you have not personally experienced it yourself. I can only say that I have experienced the very real feeling of being broke right to the very last cent in my bank account and receiving a cheque that has been delayed for many weeks. The feeling is pure gratitude and an immense feeling of being loved by a Fatherly God.

In times when I thought things are gone for sure, He surprises me with new insights and discoveries. I am usually quite pessimistic when I am alone with my thoughts. Perhaps that is why God knows me well enough to show me alternative views and conclusions whenever I am too negative internally. For that, I am grateful and thankful. So I continue to wait for my next miracle... Are you waiting for a miracle? Just ask Him and He will bring one to you...

Story: Of Butterflies and Pain

There was once an old man who took a walk after tea. He ate so much and was so full that he could barely bend down to tie his shoelaces. When he walked into a field of golden blossoms, he noticed a girl walking around the flowers with a butterfly net and a container. He stood there watching her.

She would walk quietly up to a bunch of flowers and stood still before them. She would swipe quickly at the flowers and in an instant, she would catch at least 5 butterflies. It seemed as if she has caught quite a few of them in her container. Soon it was time for her to go home. She gathered all her things and walked with a light skip.

The old man was curious about this girl and so he followed her home. He saw her enter a glass building. It was a huge glass house with lots of rooms. Each room was numbered from 1 to 20. What he saw in each room stunned him completely. There were many butterflies in each room. In the lower floors of the building, the old man could see that the butterflies were countless and each tagged with a number. He watched as the girl entered a new room that was still not quite filled with butterflies. She opened up the container of butterflies and reached inside the container carefully to remove one butterfly at a time.

She examined the butterfly carefully and smiled as she admired the colours and patterns on it. As she continued to appreciate the butterfly, she began to shed a few tears. After much crying, she would tagged the butterfly with a number and let it fly around the glass room. This sequence would repeat itself each time she took out a butterfly. The old man felt rather puzzled. He wanted to know why she did that over and over again.

Then when he was in the midst of his own thoughts, he saw that the girl had walked into the lower floors of the building and was completely surrounded by butterflies in a particular room. She was heard counting the tags on the butterflies aloud… 346, 305, 298, 249… It became rather clear to the old man what the girl was doing. So he went up to the door and knocked on it. The girl came to the door and gave the old man a puzzled look. “Who are you?” asked the girl. The old man said to her, “You don’t know me but I have been watching you the whole afternoon and I think you are killing yourself with these butterflies.” He shaked his head as he shared with her what he thought she was doing. She got very angry and slammed the door on his face. She rushed into her last room and sat there and started to cry.

The old man knew that the girl would not listen to his words for now and so he decided to leave for home. The girl sat there for a long time and stared at the butterflies in her room for a longer time.

At the first light of dawn, the girl was seen taking a container and walking towards the same field where she was catching the butterflies. One by one, she removed their tags and released them into the air. A peaceful smile came to her face as she watched them fly… free at last.

The old man stood by the side as he watched her let go of the butterflies. He smiled and knew that she understood what he had spoken to her.

What was it that the old man had said to the girl?

This is what he said to her:
IT IS TIME YOU STOP COUNTING THE NUMBER OF TIMES YOU FELT PAIN IN YOUR LIFE...TIME TO STOP REVIEWING THEM OVER AND OVER AGAIN. IT IS TIME TO STOP WEARING ALL YOUR PAIN LIKE A BADGE OF BRAVERY…

IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO LET GO OF THE PAIN AND LET IT FLY! THEN YOU ARE TOTALLY FREE OF THEM. THEN YOU CAN TRULY LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR ONCE!