From me to Papa

Papa God,

You knew me before I was born.
You probably saw me in my first conception, and you saw my future before me.
You probably frowned at some decisions I have made along the way all these years.
But you look out for me each time I fall.
The cuts and bruises were not so painful because You were always there beside me in silence.

Thank you for never giving up on me despite my rebellious spirit.
You are always there to open your arms each time I run home to you.
Thank you for reminding that I am loved when I don't feel so good about myself on gloomy days. There are days where I doubt if You made the right decision to choose me for each job.
But You convince me that the journey is worth far more than the destination.

Papa, when You look at me now, I hope I've made You proud. Not by what I do, but by the way I try to live my life by not looking back and moving forward to make each day count.

What counts is who I am in Your eyes.

Yours truly,
your Sheep in Progress

Changes Part 1

It is so easy to start a new unhealthy habit. I picked up the habit of having a snack as a reward for every teabreak time. Especially on those days when I did not eat a proper meal or had a stressful day, I would tell myself that I deserve a snack later. Then I would make unhealthy choices as a reward meant I should be nicer to myself.

These days when I want to have a snack, I bring one along in my bag. It is usually an apple. If I know it is going to be a long day, I would bring two apples. It is a conscious choice and effort for me.Going to the movies also meant unhealthy snacks for me too. I love to eat and watch movies, it is a conditioned response. How many of us can stand before the popcorn counter and resist the temptation of buying a combo pack which consists of popcorn/nachos with cheese and drinks? Honestly, I ate an apple the other day when I was watching the movie "The Killers". I actually felt good. With all the smells of popcorn, hotdog and chips, I am eating something that is healthy and going to benefit my body.

Wow! It was a revelation! As I threw away my apple core and walked out of the cinema, I could almost hear my gym trainer say, "well done, my sheep!"! Ha! One obstacle conquered this time and I felt proud of myself.

Boundaries

Do you have any boundaries? I am sure you would say you have. I have crossed quite a few people's boundaries in my lifetime. Sometimes I step on people's toes, sometimes I find myself speechless after a barrage of words being thrown at me due to the crossing of certain boundaries. Most of the time, I feel myself eating humble pie for not knowing how to keep within the boundaries of others.

You see, when I was growing up... I never knew much about boundaries. Where I was not supposed to go, I have been there. I never just interact with people of my age. When I was 12 years old, I chatted with people who were in their 20s and 30s. I could carry a decent conversation and never felt out of place. I never knew such a thing as boundaries. When I was 16 years old, I was counselling people I never met over the phone about relationship issues. Perhaps it was the fact that I didn't know any boundaries, I had some regrets over decisions I made over the years.

I used to think boundaries would restrict the freedom to speak and the catharsis of sharing. So I never kept real boundaries for the longest time. However, as I get wiser *smile*, I realise the wisdom of respecting boundaries.

1. Being silent about things spoken to me and not share everything I hear to my good friends.
2. Keeping mum for the moment although I want to ask questions about the who, where, what and why.
3. Learning when to let someone in and when to keep someone out so that I don't get emotionally drained.
4. Appreciating the beauty of waiting for the unknown and the unspoken.
5. Respecting others' need to blow up in my face and knowing that this is not going to destroy who I am.
6. Allowing myself time to grieve over lost friendships and not try to save it so quickly like I used to do.

Perhaps this is integral of the process of growing up...

*chuckles*

The Grieving of Loss - A Process or The End?

Max Lucado described grief as "the black bag of sorrow" and he puts forth so aptly...


Grief lingers. As silently as a cloud slides between you and the afternoon sun, memories drift between you and joy, leaving you in a chilly shadow. No warning. No notice. Just a whiff of the cologne he wore or a verse of the song she loved, and you are saying goodbye all over again. Why won't the sorrow leave you alone? Because you buried more than a person. You buried some of yourself. {Max Lucado ~ Travelling Light, pg.90}


When I was much younger, I experienced a sorrow that as a child I never really understood. I cried because I missed my dad. Everything around me reminded me of him. I am sure it was hundred times or thousand times worse for my mom. A large part of her probably died with him too.

Recently, a friend of mine experienced a similar loss. Her dearly beloved husband passed away due to cancer, a condition which took no more than 6 months of suffering and God took him home last week. Right now, I am sure that she is experiencing the similar feelings and thoughts that Max Lucado was writing about. In fact, I gathered from our common friends that she is suffering and experiencing a great sense of grief.

Where do I begin to comfort her? I found it hard to face her and yet to go and visit her. To me, death of a loved one was a period in time that I don't want to revisit. I find it hard to sit through a funeral wake without feeling detached or awkward. The truth is I find it hard to face grief without triggering my own. Of course, it has been a long time ago and I have received much help through counselling and healing from God. A part of my fear long buried away tends to surface whenever I encounter yet another funeral. I know that I am a deserter when it comes to grief. I struggle whenever I am asked to attend a funeral wake.

I can accept that death is God's way of telling us that it is time to go home. I imagine that my Christian friend in his last hour would have been looking towards Heaven and connecting with God. But his wife who is left behind is the one that have to face the empty and lonely days ahead. Who are we to tell these people to move on and get on with their lives? With all our good intentions, much to the chagrin of the grieving person, we become the cause of their deepened sorrow. Some people just take a longer time to grieve. For many people, they just have to walk through the long alley of loneliness and the tunnel of self pity before getting to the bridge of hope.

I guess if we can see this as a process and a much needed one, we stop all that talk about moving on quickly. By allowing the grieving person to move at their own pace through this much needed process, it allows her to take ownership of her own feelings and thoughts. It also gives her full authority to decide when the day of moving on will be. God has made us to be discerning people and He has given us the Holy Spirit to teach us everything we need to know (John 14:26). He has promised to be with us through it all (Rom 8:38-39).

So at the right time, my grieving friend will move on with the help of the Holy Spirit. For now, I just have to sit next to her, hold her hand, let her cry and let her talk about her grief. Most of all, I will pray that she recognizes God's presence in those lonely moments of her life when no one is around with her.

Can you understand? Will you do the same for someone else?