Momoko's Blabs

Reconnecting with God Through Primitive Ways

2011-05-02T16:42:00.006+08:00

I have not been writing much these days. Perhaps the iPhone is to be blamed... much of my time is spent updating my status on Facebook. I realised I don't have much interest in writing anything since then. Recently when I started to write poetry on Facebook, I discovered I felt more alive than I have ever been in the past year or so.

Last Sunday, I started to write again. I mean on paper! Using a multicoloured pen and my notebook, I started to take notes using the most traditional ways. It actually felt good! I could write notes the way I want to, draw relevant pictures to help me remember the sermon and take time to make the sermon look colourful using my multicoloured pen.

I miss taking sermon notes this way. The iPhone makes me dull in my mind. I stopped being creative in my note-taking style. Thank you, God for your creative ways! I feel so much more awake when I use my hand to write and draw. The point of doing this is to help me make more sense of the sermon pointers and apply them back into my life on a daily basis.

Going back to basics is so important to our spiritual life as well. How often we take for granted the gift of salvation... the point of being saved and the grace of being forgiven. Whenever I feel like my spirit man feels empty or drained, I would go back to the first time when I feel closest to Him. The ways which helped me connect with Him again. The drawings, the poems, the writings, the thoughts are all part of His ways to communicate with me.

Father God, lest I forget You
Lest I take each day in vain
Teach me how to trace my steps
To where it began

Teach me the basics once more
That I may rekindle my heart's flames
Reboot my connection with you
To boost this failing spirit

As I draw, write and ponder
Bring me a refreshing perspective
Of Your Heart and Mind
That I may appreciate You once more

by momoko69
11.5.2011

She Smiles

2011-04-13T02:20:00.008+08:00

She smiles to herself

For someone somewhere

Amused by his antics

She smiles again

For he brings the sunshine into her darkening world

Grateful for his existence

She smiles once more

For him being here at this time

Refreshed by his spirit

By momoko69

12.4.2011

A Little Psalm

2010-11-02T00:11:00.002+08:00

It took a song
To remind me of Your love
A love that was paid in blood
Your love has won my heart

That year in a little room
My tears knew no bounds
But You reminded me
You love me in spite of everything

I have failed you
Seventy times seven
Yet I see you running
With open arms
Today, this song begins again
The tears start to roll
A gentle reminder of Your stubborn love

by momoko69
30.10.2010

2010-06-12T11:59:00.001+08:00

When I make a significant change in my life, the people around me have to make a change too. Last night, I was watching the movie Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang with my best pal. Our usual practice would be to buy a portion of nachos with melted cheese or a medium mixture with sweet and salty popcorn to share. But I had to refuse the nachos ritual and contend with my nut and fruit mix which I bought from Carrfour. I felt terrible that she had to eat the nachos all by herself. There were a few times I felt like caving in and grab a few nacho chips. But I remembered my resolve and the tough workout I had at the gym yesterday. I could not waste all that efforts! So I chewed my mulberries and almonds very slowly and enjoyed my movie thoroughly.

This morning, I woke up with a happy feeling that another significant change in my eating habits has been made. Breakfast will never be the same again. I decided to take two slices of bread with freshly made peanut butter. Energy food keeps me going! Lots of water and complex carbohydrates will be my choices for today. My poor mum has to go along with me as well. No more lontong, roti-pratas, fried beehoon in the morning! She has to change her mindset on what makes a good breakfast.So I want to apologise to all of you will eat with me from now on. I will continue to make these changes and I hope you won't mind making such a change with me.

Changes Part 2

2010-06-10T13:22:00.000+08:00

I don't know about you but I am a night owl. I work best when I am up late at night. Maybe it is the lack of smses and emails to answer, I feel free to plan programmes and get creative and stimulative ideas. But lately, I had moments where I am too active in my cerebral activities that I ended up having disturbed sleep. I would sleep for a short while and wake up suddenly because an idea came to me. The whole process makes me tired and grouchy when I wake up in the morning.

A new change for me is to sleep by 12am. You might be thinking that is still late. But for me, it is still early. You see, my earliest time to bed is between 2.30am to 3.30am. By the time I really lie down in my bed would 4am. That really knocks out my internal body clock. For now, that is my first step to rectify this issue. I am trying this out. By 11.30pm, I should be relaxing in bed listening to my favourite music. Perhaps now I can finally stop using the excuse of being an owl and find a new identity in being the rooster that I was born to be!

Changes Part 1

2010-06-08T15:36:00.000+08:00

It is so easy to start a new unhealthy habit. I picked up the habit of having a snack as a reward for every teabreak time. Especially on those days when I did not eat a proper meal or had a stressful day, I would tell myself that I deserve a snack later. Then I would make unhealthy choices as a reward meant I should be nicer to myself.

These days when I want to have a snack, I bring one along in my bag. It is usually an apple. If I know it is going to be a long day, I would bring two apples. It is a conscious choice and effort for me.Going to the movies also meant unhealthy snacks for me too. I love to eat and watch movies, it is a conditioned response. How many of us can stand before the popcorn counter and resist the temptation of buying a combo pack which consists of popcorn/nachos with cheese and drinks? Honestly, I ate an apple the other day when I was watching the movie "The Killers". I actually felt good. With all the smells of popcorn, hotdog and chips, I am eating something that is healthy and going to benefit my body.

Wow! It was a revelation! As I threw away my apple core and walked out of the cinema, I could almost hear my gym trainer say, "well done, my sheep!"! Ha! One obstacle conquered this time and I felt proud of myself.

The Distance From Me To You

2010-05-07T00:21:00.003+08:00

A hundred steps away
Your gaze paralyzes me
I can hardly breathe
No one is fairer than thee

Another 50 steps to go
Your heart bleeds again
I wait for your signal
Never to be seen

All 25 steps and counting
Your tears beckons me on
I just want to call out
Not by title but by name

Just 10 steps more
Your soul connects with me
I listen and smile
No one understands you but me

All it takes is one more step
Your life was but a game
I can tell you this
Nothing is worth gaining when I lose you

by momoko (6.5.2010)

A poem inspired by the dying moments of Bi Dam before Queen Deokman in the korean drama show "Queen Deokman"

~A-Poem For You~

2010-05-07T00:10:00.004+08:00

Alone...
Alone at the bus stop
Alone at the movies
Alone in my thoughts
Alone is my walk
Alone...

Apart...
Apart from the schedules
Apart from the crowd
Apart from you
Apart from my heart
Apart...

Again...
Again in the dark
Again from the start
Again in my dreams
Again under the moon
Again...

by momoko (5.5.2010)

This poem was inspired by the sheer overwhelming loneliness I felt around me while sitting at the bus stop after work and a sharing by a girl friend about her life right now.

Who Am I, Lord?

2010-03-29T01:46:00.001+08:00

I am nothing without You
Zilch even with all that is within me
Devoid of the facade that I create
Empty is my spirit that yearns for Your voice
I am made complete in You
Fulfilled in wholeness of being
The sum of all the parts
The missing piece that came home
I am humbled before You
When what is perfect meets daily inperfections
I take no delight in bragging my achievements
For You alone is my Glory.

by momoko (29.3.2010)

The Heart of A Father

2010-01-30T22:54:00.007+08:00

He watches as his son takes his first few steps.The little one has just begun the first year of his life, his dad ponders. What should he do if he falls before he can catch him? He finds it hard to imagine that scene but deep down he knows, falling down is part of Life. The struggle to get up is so familiar and yet so essential to him.

“Wahhh!” his son cries so pitifully. He closes his eyes and begins to pray in his heart... “Get up my child, you can stand up because you have me cheering you on, I stand here with my watchful eyes and open arms, seeing you cry and struggling to get up hurts me more than you can imagine, but I have given you my strength and courage to stand and take a step forward. If I hold your hand all the time, you will cling on to me and not learn the value of independence. In time, you will slowly but surely dislike me for controlling your movements as I will want to protect you from possible harm.”

So he has to let go… to let the little one fall and feel the hardness of the ground, take painful steps to stand upright and struggle as he finds his inner balance to stand. He thought to himself, “I may have let you go in the process, but I have not given up on you. I have not walked away. I am here standing in the shadowy darkness of your silhouette. I have always been here.” Just as the little one is about to fall the second time, he rushes forward to hold him up. Just enough to steady his steps. Then he smiles quietly as he moves away for his son to take the next step.

Henceforth You Shall Be Called Faithful

2009-12-05T22:19:00.005+08:00

That is my name from now on. It took me a long time to realise this. I thought it was easy since I was a good girl. But I was so blinded by who I wanted to be. I took a long walk and ended up at the crossroad. In the end, I learnt to be a child first. I learnt who my Father was. I felt like an orphan for the longest time. But once I got to know Him, I started to take Him for granted.

It is always like that, isn't it? When you are close to someone, you start to forget to communicate and take for granted that what is not said is meant to be understood. But in life, relationships need communication. I don't know how I became more and more complacent. I expect things to happen when I ask Him for help. I take it that since I am His child, He would do everything I asked.

But it is not like that, isn't it? It is a relationship that requires much time, love and care. Just like any human relationship. If you love Him, you need to spend time with Him. If you want to know Him, you need to read His Memoirs to understand His Thoughts, Ideas and Beliefs. In understanding Him, I need to take time to build a deeper relationship with Him. In loving Him, I need to trust Him through actions and not just words.

This is my name. Faithful till the day I die. I used to want you to call me other names. Beautiful, Blessing, Gifted, Joyful, Loving, etc. Today, I have a new name and this seems most comfortable! As the song goes... I will follow you, follow you wherever you may go! Lord, let me be able to come before you one day and hear you call me by name.

Boundaries

2009-04-10T16:42:00.000+08:00

Do you have any boundaries? I am sure you would say you have. I have crossed quite a few people's boundaries in my lifetime. Sometimes I step on people's toes, sometimes I find myself speechless after a barrage of words being thrown at me due to the crossing of certain boundaries. Most of the time, I feel myself eating humble pie for not knowing how to keep within the boundaries of others.

You see, when I was growing up... I never knew much about boundaries. Where I was not supposed to go, I have been there. I never just interact with people of my age. When I was 12 years old, I chatted with people who were in their 20s and 30s. I could carry a decent conversation and never felt out of place. I never knew such a thing as boundaries. When I was 16 years old, I was counselling people I never met over the phone about relationship issues. Perhaps it was the fact that I didn't know any boundaries, I had some regrets over decisions I made over the years.

I used to think boundaries would restrict the freedom to speak and the catharsis of sharing. So I never kept real boundaries for the longest time. However, as I get wiser *smile*, I realise the wisdom of respecting boundaries.

1. Being silent about things spoken to me and not share everything I hear to my good friends.
2. Keeping mum for the moment although I want to ask questions about the who, where, what and why.
3. Learning when to let someone in and when to keep someone out so that I don't get emotionally drained.
4. Appreciating the beauty of waiting for the unknown and the unspoken.
5. Respecting others' need to blow up in my face and knowing that this is not going to destroy who I am.
6. Allowing myself time to grieve over lost friendships and not try to save it so quickly like I used to do.

Perhaps this is integral of the process of growing up...

*chuckles*

The Grieving of Loss - A Process or The End?

2009-03-21T12:48:00.013+08:00

Max Lucado described grief as "the black bag of sorrow" and he puts forth so aptly...

Grief lingers. As silently as a cloud slides between you and the afternoon sun, memories drift between you and joy, leaving you in a chilly shadow. No warning. No notice. Just a whiff of the cologne he wore or a verse of the song she loved, and you are saying goodbye all over again. Why won't the sorrow leave you alone? Because you buried more than a person. You buried some of yourself. {Max Lucado ~ Travelling Light, pg.90}

When I was much younger, I experienced a sorrow that as a child I never really understood. I cried because I missed my dad. Everything around me reminded me of him. I am sure it was hundred times or thousand times worse for my mom. A large part of her probably died with him too.

Recently, a friend of mine experienced a similar loss. Her dearly beloved husband passed away due to cancer, a condition which took no more than 6 months of suffering and God took him home last week. Right now, I am sure that she is experiencing the similar feelings and thoughts that Max Lucado was writing about. In fact, I gathered from our common friends that she is suffering and experiencing a great sense of grief.

Where do I begin to comfort her? I found it hard to face her and yet to go and visit her. To me, death of a loved one was a period in time that I don't want to revisit. I find it hard to sit through a funeral wake without feeling detached or awkward. The truth is I find it hard to face grief without triggering my own. Of course, it has been a long time ago and I have received much help through counselling and healing from God. A part of my fear long buried away tends to surface whenever I encounter yet another funeral. I know that I am a deserter when it comes to grief. I struggle whenever I am asked to attend a funeral wake.

I can accept that death is God's way of telling us that it is time to go home. I imagine that my Christian friend in his last hour would have been looking towards Heaven and connecting with God. But his wife who is left behind is the one that have to face the empty and lonely days ahead. Who are we to tell these people to move on and get on with their lives? With all our good intentions, much to the chagrin of the grieving person, we become the cause of their deepened sorrow. Some people just take a longer time to grieve. For many people, they just have to walk through the long alley of loneliness and the tunnel of self pity before getting to the bridge of hope.

I guess if we can see this as a process and a much needed one, we stop all that talk about moving on quickly. By allowing the grieving person to move at their own pace through this much needed process, it allows her to take ownership of her own feelings and thoughts. It also gives her full authority to decide when the day of moving on will be. God has made us to be discerning people and He has given us the Holy Spirit to teach us everything we need to know (John 14:26). He has promised to be with us through it all (Rom 8:38-39).

So at the right time, my grieving friend will move on with the help of the Holy Spirit. For now, I just have to sit next to her, hold her hand, let her cry and let her talk about her grief. Most of all, I will pray that she recognizes God's presence in those lonely moments of her life when no one is around with her.

Can you understand? Will you do the same for someone else?

Que Sera Sera (Part II)

2009-01-11T01:55:00.007+08:00

Each time I think about it, I come up with a new rationalisation or a new perspective. Funny, isn't it? It is so human to think and think about an incident, replay that situation over and over in your head. Looking at it from different perspectives and wondering what you could have done to rectify the matter.

Each time I wish I could change the result of how things turn out. If only I notice the change in her... if only I have been more aware... If only... If only. I wanted to take time to ponder over everything, even time to rant about how I felt misconstrued. But in the end, I just took time to enjoy being alone, to meet new people, enjoy new environments... I wanted to take time to write out how I felt... I ended up writing about what I saw, what I did and how I felt about those things. Hahaha... so much for taking time... during my KL trip.

In the end, it was when I came home that I actually had the chance to think about everything. I took some time to reflect about the friendship. The conclusion is simple. Nothing I can do now can change my relationship with her. Things have changed drastically. When the truth of the matter is out, I can only face it with much assurance that God is in charge of it.

Que sera sera... goes the song! So I am letting go. Letting go of the memories... letting go of the words exchanged... letting go of the disappointment... letting go so that both of us have a chance to move on!

Thanks for listening...

Que Sera Sera (Part I)

2008-12-13T03:49:00.005+08:00

For the second time this week, I lay awake in my bed. I know it has to do with the current matter that is bothering me. My first instinct is to question and figure what went wrong. My second instinct is to cry. My third instinct is to talk to God and ask Him why and what I can do.

I am lost for words! I felt God knew. What can I say? The matter seems out of my hands. What needed to be said were said. What's left of it is rotting in the cold air that comes and goes in this crazy weather.

Just when I think I knew everything about her, I know now that I know nothing. According to her, I have apparently caused her to feel burdened whenever I felt insecure in the last 3 years. According to her, my issues have been the direct and indirect cause of her physical ailments and sufferings. You know, this is the first time I feel that I have affected someone so negatively. I actually caused so much agony to someone. To the point that we cannot even belong to the same group any more. Wow!

When I was younger, I used to rant like mad whenever someone accused me falsely. I usually shut down and alienate the person. It was simple! But now that I am older and hopefully, wiser, I start to search for reasons that justify why my good friend is so mad with me. You see, whatever I say now, has a total different meaning as it reaches her ears. It feels like there is a distortion between what has been said and as it goes from my space to her space. I see a very hurt individual who winces at the words that I say to her. What happened to us? What happened to her? What happened to me?

Next week... time on my own... time to breathe... time to ponder...

The Heart of A Teacher

2008-06-20T00:47:00.002+08:00

Today, I had to do something to him. He did not finish his homework as agreed previously. I was utterly disappointed by his actions. So I had to make him face the consequences of not doing part of his agreement. He looked pretty sheepish to me. I called his mom and told her about what I have decided to do. She agreed that it was fair. So I walked out of the session feeling quite upset and disllusioned. I felt that I have never been so harsh to anyone before. No matter how angry I got, I have never walked out on anyone. I have given my students many opportunities to make up.

I made a second call to his mom and she told me that he was rude to her and felt that she was gleeful about his demise. I was disgusted at his attitude towards his mother. The fact that he was punished was not due to her but due to his own actions. Yet, I felt he pushed all blame to her. How can anyone be so rude?

I felt so irritated that I started messaging a few of my friends and lamented about how we are bringing up brats in our present society. I was quite disllusioned by the time I was done complaining. However, a friend of mine asked me, "What would Jesus do?". That stumped me! He would not give up on this boy. He would pursue him with relentless belief. It also occurs to me that this is what God goes through with me...

Each time I fail to deliver what I promised.... God sighs.
Each time I said something and forgot all about it... God sighs.
Each time I take a long time to tithe... God sighs.
Each time I shouted at Him for not giving me what I want... God sighs.
Each time I use my time to do other more interesting things than to study His Word... God sighs deeply.
Time after time, He forgives me... He gives me opportunities to change...
Time after time, He allows me to come back even after I fail him in so many ways. On some of these occasions, He allows consequences and situations to teach me a lesson.

So I relented... I know I too in my own ways have been like my student. In his heart, he probably grumbles and whines about how unfair I am. But I hope he understands that I do it for his own good. To let him understand that we are all accountable for our actions. I feel humbled by the whole experience. I don't regret walking out on him... in fact I am thankful.

For I have a deeper revelation of the heart of My dearest Teacher

~ JESUS ~

(19.6.2008)

A Note To Myself: To Wait or Not to Wait

2008-06-16T00:15:00.004+08:00

We are just friends so I don't expect much from you
All I hope is that you remember my sms was an invitation
Just to meet and chat about life and things to come

We don't even meet that often, just once in a short while
When we do meet... time would just pass us by
I guess it feels like you never received my sms

This was a really perfect weekend for me
No work, no extra-curricular activities
I had it free so that I can do something fun

I waited and waited but heard nothing from you
So I figured you got busy and forgot
I won't intrude into your space as I respect you

But it wasn't because of you that the weekend was crappy
It was my realisation that I did not sms anyone else
It reveals how I do not do much to change my situation

I made an important decision today
I am not waiting any more for anyone
I will take good care of the time I have left

A new beginning for a new Anne
Perhaps someone else will do the waiting for once
The choice is really up to him/her

(15 June 2008)

Faith in Many Colours

2008-03-09T12:37:00.007+08:00

a green sapling emerges
tenderness in his hands
as beauty awakens
embracing and believing

fading yellow shades dissipate
departing from his arms
as time deliberates
maturing and nurturing

leaves in brown and black shadows
crumbling into his hands
as faith dies
humbling and reflecting

golden oil drips upon dying leaves
anointed by his hands
as faith re-awakens
renewing and refreshing

This vision was given to me during a Sunday service at Trinity Christian Centre. I felt very touched by the imagery and decided to pen down these thoughts. My heart was becoming dry brown leaves recently as I got busy with work and interests. I felt farther away from His love and attention. But when I got up to meet God in His inner santuary, I am thankful that He reminded me of the importance of being "oiled" by Him on a regular basis. Praise God for sharing this vision with the lady who prayed over me. It gave me great hope and encouragement that God has not forgotten me and His promises to me.

反省

2008-01-06T12:04:00.000+08:00

當心門一打開, 心就會碎了

當心門一關上, 心卻冷了

不怕心碎, 只怕心会僵硬

为何把心门打开

是为了全心去爱

为何把心门关起来

是为了多爱自己一点点

这一路来, 真的好累啊

这一回要为自己争气

朋友，为我加油吧！

有一天奇迹会出现的!

Waiting for A Miracle

2007-11-27T22:06:00.000+08:00

I believe in miracles. Not just because the Bible tells me so. God has His Ways of showing us what He has in store. In my life, I hear many incidents of people telling me how God has provided them in occasions where they have lost hope initially. I know I cannot convince you about something that you have not personally experienced it yourself. I can only say that I have experienced the very real feeling of being broke right to the very last cent in my bank account and receiving a cheque that has been delayed for many weeks. The feeling is pure gratitude and an immense feeling of being loved by a Fatherly God.

In times when I thought things are gone for sure, He surprises me with new insights and discoveries. I am usually quite pessimistic when I am alone with my thoughts. Perhaps that is why God knows me well enough to show me alternative views and conclusions whenever I am too negative internally. For that, I am grateful and thankful. So I continue to wait for my next miracle... Are you waiting for a miracle? Just ask Him and He will bring one to you...

Of Butterflies and Pain

2007-10-24T15:21:00.000+08:00

There was once an old man who took a walk after tea. He ate so much and was so full that he could barely bend down to tie his shoelaces. When he walked into a field of golden blossoms, he noticed a girl walking around the flowers with a butterfly net and a container. He stood there watching her.

She would walk quietly up to a bunch of flowers and stood still before them. She would swipe quickly at the flowers and in an instant, she would catch at least 5 butterflies. It seemed as if she has caught quite a few of them in her container. Soon it was time for her to go home. She gathered all her things and walked with a light skip.

The old man was curious about this girl and so he followed her home. He saw her enter a glass building. It was a huge glass house with lots of rooms. Each room was numbered from 1 to 20. What he saw in each room stunned him completely. There were many butterflies in each room. In the lower floors of the buildings, the old man could see that the butterflies were countless and each tagged with a number. He watched as the girl entered a new room which was still not quite filled with butterflies. She opened up the container of butterflies and reached inside the container carefully to remove one butterfly at a time.

She examined the butterfly carefully and smiled as she admired the colours and patterns on it. As she continued to appreciate the butterfly, she began to shed a few tears. After much crying, she would tagged the butterfly with a number and let it fly around the glass room. This sequence would repeat itself each time she took out a butterfly. The old man felt rather puzzled. He wanted to know why she did that over and over again.

Then when he was in the midst of his own thoughts, he saw that the girl had walked into the lower floors of the building and was completely surrounded by butterflies in a particular room. She was heard counting the tags on the butterflies aloud… 346, 305, 298, 249… It became rather clear to the old man what the girl was doing. So he went up to the door and knocked on it. The girl came to the door and gave the old man a puzzled look. “Who are you?” asked the girl. The old man said to her, “You don’t know me but I have been watching you the whole afternoon and I think you are killing yourself with these butterflies.” He shaked his head as he shared with her what he thought she was doing. She got very angry and slammed the door on his face. She rushed into her last room and sat there and started to cry.

The old man knew that the girl would not listen to his words for now and so he decided to leave for home. The girl sat there for a long time and stared at the butterflies in her room for a longer time.

At the first light of dawn, the girl was seen taking a container and walking towards the same field where she was catching the butterflies. One by one, she removed their tags and released them into the air. A peaceful smile came to her face as she watched them fly… free at last.

The old man stood by the side as he watched her let go of the butterflies. He smiled and knew that she understood what he had spoken to her.

What was it that the old man had said to the girl?

This is what he said to her:
IT IS TIME YOU STOP COUNTING THE NUMBER OF TIMES YOU FELT PAIN IN YOUR LIFE,,, TIME TO STOP REVIEWING THEM OVER AND OVER AGAIN. IT IS TIME TO STOP WEARING ALL YOUR PAIN LIKE A BADGE OF BRAVERY…

IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO LET GO OF THE PAIN AND LET IT FLY! THEN YOU ARE TOTALLY FREE OF THEM. THEN YOU CAN TRULY LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR ONCE!

The Story of The Little Blue Bear

2007-10-23T15:26:00.000+08:00

Once upon a time, there lived a little blue bear named Terry. He was very different from the other animals who lived in the forest. You see, he felt different because he was blue rather than brown like the rest of the bears in his family. None of his brothers and sisters wanted to play with him. Sometimes he would wish that he was of the same colour like the rest. He tried to roll himself in mud to look more brown. But alas the rain would wash all that away and he would become blue again. Poor Terry… he had very little friends who would not laugh at him for being blue.

Butterfly and Frog were his best friends and they often play together in a little valley over the mountains. Terry felt most happy when his two friends came to visit him. You see, Butterfly and Frog did not mind that Terry was different… in fact they liked him as he is… being the only blue bear in the forest.

On most days, Terry is a happy bear with little worries… but there was someone whom Terry was terrified of. Her name is Garf the cat…she was a big bully. She scratched and meowed loudly at Terry all the time. She loved to jump out and frighten poor Terry. Terry was so timid that he would shiver at the thought of Garfield.

Butterfly and Frog hated Garf but there was little they could do to help Terry. You see, they were also bullied by Garf. She would chase and try to catch Butterfly whilst she was distracted amongst the flowers. Frog was always pounced upon by the cat who often come to the river to have a drink of water. Poor Frog lost one of his forelegs as a result of such an encounter.

One fine afternoon, Terry was strolling along past a well. He heard a soft meowing from within. He peered through the mouth of the well and asked, “Are you trapped down there?”. Just then, a flutter of wings came before Terry and Butterfly shouted angrily, “Leave that nasty cat alone! She deserves this after what I have been through!”. It was then she told Terry that Garf had slipped and fell into the well whilst trying to catch Butterfly a few minutes ago.

Poor Garf…the night was coming and she was growing cold in that wet and slimy well. “Plee…pleeease… helpppp… mmmmeeee!” stammered Garf as she pleaded with Terry. Frog came hopping by…when he heard from Butterfly about Garf’s misfortune. He peered into the well and let out a loud guffaw….”Hahaha, how does it feel down there? Hehehehe…mighty cold I do believe!!!” and he hopped away happily. Poor Terry, he was torn between helping Garf or leaving her in her pathetic state. Terry’s heart softened and he decided to help Garf despite what she had done to him in the past.

So he went into the forest and found a long log. Although he was still a baby bear, he had just enough strength to roll the log with his front paws and pushed one end into the well. Garf jumped quickly onto the log and scampered out of the well. She landed in a tired heap on the ground and whispered, “Thank you, Terry…I’m sorry for being mean to you in the past!” She fell into a deep sleep… Terry carried her gently back to her home.

Till this day, everyone would see the orange cat and the blue bear playing and laughing together like two best friends. No animal would ever dare to laugh at Terry for being blue again. You see, Garf will always be there to help her best friend, the little blue bear!!!

~The End ~

Written on 8th April 1997 at 4:38pm.
It took me less than half an hour to come up with this story in my first draft.

Safe in A Crazy World

2007-10-06T23:37:00.000+08:00

Written by Corrinne May Ying Foo
Copyright 2003, Corrmay Gourmet Music (ASCAP)

I try to smile my tears away
I try to keep my cool
Oh but one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter
My heart just wants to bleed and stop
Believing in me
It feels like nothing is for certain and that nothing comes for free
When they're lowering the curtain to the theatre of my dreams
I stumble and I crumble and I'm
Sinking to my knees but you... you cradle me

Chorus:
You keep me flying You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength to believe in me again

Noise keeps chasing me
No matter where I go
Oh and life likes pretending that it's
On a TV show
When it's hard to tell what's real
From what the world just wants to preach
You are the voice I seek

Repeat Chorus

Just when I thought my world had crumbled... this song reminded me of God's love for me.
Just when I thought it is my needy personality that pushes away my friend, this song reminded me that I am completely and utterly loved by God. I am not desperate for love!
Just when I felt so tired of being, this song gave me the reason to continue living.

Thanks Corrinne for writing such a song that gave me the real reason for my existence!

Things I remember about my daddy

2007-08-18T23:47:00.000+08:00

He loved durians, satay and chicken rice!
He laughed with great gusto.
He often wrote in cursive handwriting.
He was very good in Maths!
He was an avid reader.
He was a lecturer at St John Ambulance.
He donated countless pints of blood to Red Cross Society!
He was a storekeeper at a shipping firm.
He was respected by his fellow colleagues.
He was a patient man.
He met my mom through a matchmaker.
He thought my mom was chubby and didn't like her at first glance.
He married my mom at 32 years old.
He never quarrelled with mom.
He once wrote a testimony about his love for Jesus.
He taught me to like Mathematics.
He protected me when mom came after me with a cane.
He fell down once while trying to take me to my Primary School Sports Day.
He was admitted to Alexandra Hospital when he got very sick.
He died when he was 42 years old.
His name is Peter Chua Eng Huat.

Nearness of the Beloved One by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

2007-06-08T01:52:00.000+08:00

I think of you, when I see the sun's shimmer
Gleaming from the sea.
I think of you, when the moon's glimmer
Is reflected in the springs.

I see you, when on the distant road
The dust rises,
In deep night, when on the narrow bridge
The traveler trembles.

I hear you, when with a dull roar
The wave surges.
In the quiet grove I often go to listen
When all is silent.

I am with you, however far away you may be,
You are next to me!
The sun is setting, soon the stars will shine upon me.
If only you were here!

________________________________________________

Where are you right now? where have you been? It has been 7 years. For some people, 7 years is enough to kill a marriage. While for others, 7 years is a time of doing and being. For me, 7 years is not enough. It never seem enough to forget you and your words. Not enough to take away the sound of your voice and your laughter.

As I count the days gone by, I realise I am still here. Wondering what happened to you... Wondering where you went after our last conversation...Wondering if you are truly happy right now...

I want to tell you this: Wherever you are... be yourself, be happy, be real! I will be fine... God loves me very much and is taking care of me. I know that you will find your paths that lead to your loved ones. So when you look up to the moon sometime soon, I do hope you remember me remembering you.

Story: The Little Princess - Part 3

2007-02-13T22:51:00.000+08:00

It was this time that the princess realized that she had a very special gift. She didn't notice it at first because she thought that it was a very normal thing to have.... a voice that could sing!

One Christmas, she was asked to sing in church for they had put up the Christmas pageant for all the parishioners to see. She really enjoyed helping out with the props and things, but they needed someone to sing along in one of the songs with the choir. The little princess hesitated as she felt that she would not do a good job...the queen has always commented that she has never seem to do anything right. She was so fearful that she kept shaking her head saying, "No! Let someone else who's better do it!". The lady in charge of the choir took the princess aside and said, "Give it a try...if you don't like the song...you don't have to sing it". So the little princess walked up to the front slowly as the music floated down gently from the choir loft.

The choir looked kindly at the little princess as if to encourage her to start. She closed her eyes as she listened for the cue to start singing. From within her soul came a voice...so sudden and clear! She sang as if there was no day or night.... her voice was very different this time. She forgot the crowd before her and sang in praise of the glory of the newborn King. When she finished, she slowly opened her eyes and looked at the people in front of her...they were smiling and clapping furiously.

The little princess had never felt so happy in her whole life. This gift meant more to her than her life, because she saw that through her singing, the people saw the love and joy again being mirrored in her soft brown eyes...she could smile again! It was then that she found her love for singing...it was this singing for her God and her friends that brought the sparkle back into those windows of her soul. From this day forth, she blossomed slowly but surely from a sad and reserved girl into someone who was always ready with a smile and a listening ear for all who encounter her. It was a most enriching experience for the little princess to be amongst such simple and kind folk.

The long and lonely nights became unbearable for the queen who missed the king so badly that it drove her to seek solace in the arms of another man, a tax collector from the nearby village! It was difficult for the princess to understand what the queen was going through at this point in time, she was very confused and angry with the queen for not 'loving' the king any more. So the little princess decided that she was not going to let any other man take the place of her beloved king. Each time the tax collector came to visit the queen, she would always give him an icy-cold reception.

It was late one night when the little princess woke up suddenly and realized that the queen had not returned home, she became rather upset and confused. She walked out of the cottage in her thin and shabby nightclothes into the warm darkness outside. She knew where she was heading...the same place she would always go whenever she was unhappy.

As she approached the marble lady, she looked longingly at the praying figure as if she was expecting St Teresa to look up from praying to smile at her. The little princess stood beneath the statue as her eyes grew more and more misty. She started to pray in a very soft voice, "Help me....St Teresa! I don't know what to do... I really hate mother because she only cares about her needs. I just want you to ask God if he can do something to make that man go away from us, and make my family whole again!" She sighed sadly as she rested her head lightly upon the feet of the marble lady.

Once again she was all alone. Silence filled the night with such sweet sorrows!

What is Real?

2006-10-27T01:46:00.000+08:00

Excerpt taken from the Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Tonight, I felt quite silly. Sitting in front of my computer chatting with someone whom I felt was a waste of time. This was all due to the fact that I was waiting for another friend to come online. Of all things I felt during the whole conversation, I felt unreal. I felt the things I said did not make sense to him and he was thinking I was trying to tell him something between the lines. I felt that he was trying to read me as a gal and yet I was trying to be as literal as a guy could be. Yet he was clueless! I gave up after 10 minutes of trying to find a topic to chat with him. It all started a few weeks ago when we met online. But now, things have gone really stale and cold.

I started to ask myself... why do I even bother to honour a promise to come online for my other friend? Who is this stranger to me? Why do I even bother? I actually rushed home thinking that the person would be there online. I am who I am... I cannot change the fact that I do care when I say yes to someone even though the person is a stranger.

I know there is a place for people like me. I try to be as real as I can be. I do not want to play games and make people think that I have something up my sleeves. I try to keep my promises and try to be true to my feelings. I know as I re-read the Velveteen Rabbit, I can imagine myself losing hair, teeth falling out, having loose joints and all... but still be loved by people who will appreciate me for who I am. Ha!

Those Good Ol' Days

2006-10-15T01:49:00.000+08:00

Nothing is forever…Nothing stays the same.

So the saying goes…
Walking by the old school and realised to my horror,

Mei Chin Primary School does not exist any more.

Ah… but these memorable days will always be with me

Although these yellowish whitewashed walls remain,

the people have gone .

Strolling on the path which Dad fell and hurt himself

on that fateful Sports Day
The open space behind the stage where

I played 'catching' with my pals

Oh, don't forget the Science Club’s animal corner!

The first pet rabbit I’ve ever owned was Mimi.

What about the rows and rows of white troughs –

Singapore’s dental compaign in the 70s.

Oh yeah… and me losing my brushing container

at different times of the school year.

Ah… I will never forget the dental clinic

and its horrendous drilling sounds!

Shivering... being called up for that termly checkup.

The tuckshop with its yummy 50cts nasi lemak

and 10 cents could still buy me a drink.

The school library on the first floor gave me

the first encounter of Enid Blyton.

The third floor male toilet reminds me

of the time I chased CK into a cubicle.

He was so mean and kept calling me a Fat Pig.

Today, he is someone's husband and a hardworking man.

We still say hi to each other when we meet at the lift.

Those primary school days were great

because they were eventful.

Sitting before my computer

brought a sense of reminiscence.

These memories are precious

because they were created with my friends.

People like Chua Pei Yan (Big Brother), Yam Kuan (Monster),

and Chew Geok (my best friend since Pri 4).

Perhaps I will never meet them again...

Perhaps I will never know what ever happened to all of them

But I want to thank them for the times we shared,

the golden moments and tears that were shed.
And I know I'll always have a few good ol' days to share!

PS. The very next day, I got my answer. I met Yam Kuan again! I found out that three weeks ago, he had become my student in my night lecture class and all these times I never knew. What a surprise it was! God knew that we will meet again! He orchestrated such a wonderful reunion... Amazing!

Sister-Hood

2006-09-03T03:24:00.001+08:00

This is a picture of my two bears that I brought to New York during my trip to the School of Playback Theatre. They are like me and Agnes! Good pals and close like siblings!

Before I left for New York, I had a misunderstanding with my other best friend, Agnes. It was quite a horrible feeling to not feel like confiding in her during the time I was preparing for my trip to NY. But we both knew we were too far to talk about the misunderstanding... so we waited for the time that we meet in NY.

It was difficult at first... we were so cordial with each other. Yet, deep down, we both know we have a knot in our hearts. We talked about many things but not the main issue. We caught up on old gossip and left out our true feelings about this unfortunate incident. It took us almost a week after we met each other to open up and talk about it. This is how it went...

I talk... she listens...

She talks... I listen...

We talk... God listens...

No one talks... God speaks to our hearts...

Then a miracle happens... we saw what was filling up our hearts. ENVY!

Suddenly, it did not matter if we had envy or pure jealousy for whatever we griped about each other. Then I knew we have become true sisters in Christ... for we have shown our true colours to each other.

Of course, between me and Agnes... nothing is truly over till the story is told through playback theatre style. :P

************************************************************************

I believe God gives me women friends for a very good reason. Men and women are wired very differently. My other friend, Jerry always tells me the male perspective of things. He always says, "Get over with that feeling, move on to the important stuff!". Yet as a woman, I am crying out for more understanding and ruminating about the issues surrounding the situation. At the end of the day, I run to my girl friends who would be able to support me in these ways.

But nothing prepared me for the kind of relationship I share with Agnes, it is a sisterly love that goes beyond blood ties. I have not known her for a very long time. But it takes a Christian sister to recognise another in pain, trouble or simply in need of a prayer. It also takes a Christian sister to love and forgive another who has gone off the path of righteousness. I am grateful for the Christian sisters who walk beside me each day. They teach me so much about Christian charity and the privilege of praying together as a community. They give me the grace to share my personal stories, celebrate my little triumphs and pray through my daily struggles. Perhaps this is why women are complementary in roles and personalities to men. They are so full with life, emotions and sensitivity! Only a Loving God can think of such a perfect match!

I love Agnes for God gave her to me through Playback Theatre... I always wished I had a younger sister and now I do! Although I know there will be misunderstandings... miscommunications... mistakes made some of the times, yet I have the assurance that all things happen for the good of those who loves Him. I'm going to miss her for the next 2 years... as she continues her studies in London. I hope to visit her soon :) ha!

My Name is Sam-Soon

2006-01-29T21:11:00.000+08:00

It is a good thing to have a long break in this Chinese New Year season. It means I have more time to watch a Korean drama series. Lately, I watched this funny show called My Name is Sam-Soon. The main protagonist, Kim Sam-Soon is a patisseur who was trained in France and got a job in this French restaurant owned by Hyun Jin-heon who gets the kick out of insulting her about her looks and size whenever he could. The funny part was when he got Sam-Soon into a contractual relationship by getting her to be his pseudo-girlfriend. The story got complicated when an ex girlfriend, Yoo Hee-jin came running back to Jin-heon after disappearing on him for 3 years. Of course, I am not writing a synopsis on this drama series, I am just filled with thoughts about her character and her thoughts about life.

It feels like Korean dramas like to take the "ugly duckling" girl and give her the most heart-renching relationship a man from this universe can ever offer. In this story, the fat girl is actually desirable and being pursued by two men, an ex boy-friend and the current beau. She is seen as quirky but unique, blunt but honest, brash but spicy! What can I say? I am a sucker for stories like that. It makes me root for the underdog when she was challenged by the ex girl friend. It makes me cry when she says how tired she feels every time her heart is broken by the selfish men in her life. It makes me say,"don't give up!" whenever she meets another heartache in her life.

Perhaps the most amazing thing is that she liked the story of Momo, a book written by Michael Ende which I love very much. I couldn't believe my ears when she read from the book in the show. When I first read the book, I fell in love with the character of Momo. A girl who never spoke a word but spoke through her acts of love to the people around her. Momo was a nobody. But she could listen so well that her friends would go to her to settle their arguments and differences. She had time for her friends. She cared for simple things. She knew what was most important to focus on. Most of all, she was not even sure about her mission but she tried her very best in saving the hour-lilies.

What is the most important thing to a woman in this century? Her identity, family, life partner. friends, or career? It seems like her career since the women I know would spend most of her waking hours at work. Family seems to be second in line. Then comes the life partner... which may seem elusive for many single plain-looking women out there. This is what I gathered from this show about those men who are still available:

1. They are already taken. (ie. engaged /married/cohabiting)
2. They are poorer than the women.
3. They are not as educated as the women.
4. They are probably gay.
5. They are not attracted to plain-looking women.
6. Their looks are plain too.
7. They behave badly in front of potential mother in-laws.
8. They lie about everything.
9. They cannot think without their other head.
10. They are sexually dysfunctional.

It seems like a desperate cry for help in the many voices out there for single average looking women. Am I like them? In Sam-Soon's world, she had her father encouraging her on. No matter how tired she is of this world, she would imagine her father talking to her and sharing with her his nuggets of life and truth. That kept her going... kept her fighting for another day of finding true love. Like her, sometimes I wonder if there is such a person as Mr Right (who got probably lost along the way of finding my house)?

In the past two years, I learnt to be aware of the love of God and the extent of this love. I am thankful that I have my God who loves me as I truly am. Isn't it amazing that it is not a human being that makes me realised how loved I am. It is my Jehovah God who shows me I am loved by providing the sunlight that greets me in the morning, the gentle breeze that caresses my face when I walk to my work place and forgives me of my past sins and assures me of His Love despite of my potential to hurt Him again through my future actions. So I am not in need of having to be loved by someone, but rather I am allowing God to help me to be ready for my life partner. Allowing Him to refine my character, my heart and my soul... allowing Him to refine him as well while he makes his way into my life.

Last night, someone asked me why do I bother to find out about herbs, medication and natural healing food, I said without a blink of an eye,"I am getting myself ready to be a good wife!" Ha! where did that come from? I don't even believe my ears when I heard myself. Today, I choose to change that line of thought... I want to be more than just a good wife... I want to be made useful for His healing purposes!

So this is it. All that I wanted to say after laughing, crying and getting excited over a Korean drama series of a simple girl. Rantings after the show!!!!!!!!!!!!

BLESSED CHINESE NEW YEAR, MY FRIENDS!

Story: The Little Princess - Part 2

2005-10-25T03:24:00.000+08:00

As much as she hated being beaten, she knew that she was very much loved by her parents. She just didn't understand why her mother could not express her love for her in the same way as she did with her baby brother. She felt very sad each time as she nursed her newly inflicted wounds....hoping to find an answer for her question.

One day, the king got very, very sick. The physicians in the kingdom came to see if they could help in any way, but they couldn't find the cause of his illness. The king just got weaker and weaker that he could no longer meet his ministers in the royal court. He stayed in bed most of the time and left the important matters to his subjects. Hence, the queen became even more tired and bad-tempered...having both to look after the king and her baby. Although the little princess knew that her father was sick, she did not know that it was very serious. She went to his room every day to see him, but he was too weak to speak to her....she just sat there holding his hand, waiting.... The physicians told the queen all kinds of stories about their theories about what they thought was wrong with the king. They gave all types of awful medicine and advice in the hope of curing the king, but they did not know what they were doing and they did not have enough knowledge to help the king.

One sunny afternoon, the little princess walked along the long stretch of corridors within the palace. These corridors had very tall white pillars that held up the whole palace and they were everywhere within the palace grounds. She walked slowly towards the king's room, and peeped in to see if he was awake. He looked very thin and worn out, he seemed to have some difficulty in breathing. The little princess sneaked out quietly for fear that she would wake her father up. She stood quietly behind a pillar just three doors away from her father's room. She stood there feeling the sun's rays touching her face, she closed her eyes and started to pray, "Please God, please make my father feel better. I want him to play with me. Will you please help him?" There was an awful silence that filled the space within her heart...and then quietly a voice within her spoke, "It is time for him to go!" The little princess held her arms around her beloved pillar and tears started to trickle down her cheeks, because she knew that her father would leave her very soon.

At this time, the princess had her ninth birthday just few months ago, although she didn't have a party like she used to have, she had the loveliest present from her father, it was an unusual box that could transform everything that it touches into pictures. She thought it was the best present she has ever gotten from him! The king had sent his subjects to look for it in some faraway lands and brought it back just in time for her birthday.

That very night, the little princess and her brother (who was three years old) had to stay with her auntie, who lived not very faraway from the palace. Despite her subjects' protests, the queen insisted on looking after the sickly king and left the children in the care of her sister. As the princess' aunty left to run some errands for the queen, the little princess was left alone with her brother and her cousin who was only 6 years old at that time. The little princess didn't like that male cousin as he was always whining and crying for attention. He liked her.... though so much so that he tried to kiss her that night! The little princess was so upset with him that she slapped him very hard across his face...and told him to go away. She felt very alone and miserable, she kept feeling that something bad was going to happen.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door, it was a lady who was working at the palace. The princess did not open the door as she was instructed not to open it for strangers. The lady spoke through the door in a very soft whisper, "The king is dead!" Suddenly time stood still for
the princess....she stood there staring at the door wondering about what she had just heard. The little princess whispered a word of thanks to the lady and went to look for her baby brother who was playing in the other room.

She found him playing happily with a couple of blocks on the floor. The little princess drew her brother near and whisper gently to him, "Father will not be coming home this time, he is gone!" Once again tears found their way to her soft brown eyes....as she held her brother close to her....it was a cold dark night with no stars in sight.

Things changed over the next few months. When the people realised that the king was gone, they were very, very sad. But they needed a leader for the kingdom badly, so the queen was asked to leave the palace with her children to make room for the new king. It was only then that the queen realised how little they had of valuable possessions, the king was too gentle to fight other kings, so he never had much wealth in actual fact.They ate and lived on what was already there in the beginning and what was kindly offered by the people. The queen needed more than what was left to survive....but she had very little skills being a woman of that time. There was nothing much she could do for a living. The rich relatives disappeared soon after they heard about the queen's demise because they didn't want the burden of looking after her and the children.

Not long after the king's death, the queen found a place to stay. It was an old little caretaker's cottage behind an old church on a hill. It wasn't much, but she needed the money that the priest offered in return that she promised to stay to cook for him. So in her desperation, she took up the offer and started to move all the family's possessions into this little cottage. The little princess had become very quiet since her father's death, she did not even shed a tear when they buried the king. It didn't matter any more to cry, because there were no tears left since that starless night. She told herself that she must be strong for her mother and brother...crying meant weakness and she must never cry in front of the older people. It was then that the people around her realized that she had lost that sparkle in her eyes, that if they looked closely...all they could find was dark emptiness that filled them.

The little princess spends all her time wandering around the grounds of the church....not knowing how to help her mother who always seems to be in tears as she missed the king dearly. She found it hard to talk to her mother because she was never close to her. So all the little princess could do was to do her chores as she was told, hoping that it would make her mother less angry at her and maybe she would not beat her that often, she thought.

The nights were long and lonely for the little princess. Often she would gaze into the starry night thinking about the king and where he would be at that point in time. She missed his cuddles...as that was his way of telling her that he loved her very much. There was no one left to cuddle
her any more....no one. One fine morning, she saw the queen carrying a soft bundle in her hands, it was a black puppy....a birthday present for her brother who was 4 years old then. It had the softest brown eyes that spoke to the little princess. It was love at first sight for these two. It didn't matter that the puppy was her brother's, she loved it all the same. That night, the puppy whimpered and cried so loudly that the little princess crept out to comfort it. She fell asleep holding the puppy....close to her heart. Two lonely hearts found each other in one sweet cuddle.

To be continued!!!!!

Story: The Little Princess - Part 1

2005-10-25T03:19:00.000+08:00

Once upon a time, in a faraway, faraway kingdom, there lived a gentle king and his queen. They fell in love the moment they met and it was that love that they had for each other that brought forth a little princess. The princess of this story has no name as nobody could remember....she was an ugly duckling. One would think that all princesses were born to be pretty and very clever, but this was an exception!

The little princess grew up in the loving environment of her royal palace for 5 years. The people in the kingdom liked her a lot, because she has such a sunny smile that chases the blues away and soft eyes that comfort and speak of love. Just a few months before her sixth birthday, the queen gave birth to a son, the heir to the king's throne. Suddenly things changed. The little princess was surprised that everyone was so excited about this newborn baby brother of hers. She couldn't understand what the fuss was about.

One day, the little princess thought, "I'm going to see the baby!" So she ran to the room where the queen was and saw the king and the queen taking turns in hugging and kissing her baby brother. She felt very alone and unloved. The king saw her standing in the corner and asked her to come in to see her brother. She brightened up and ran to her father. As they held up the baby for her to see, she saw a sleeping child wrapped in white linen, making rather curious sounds. This was the first time, she had ever seen a baby before. She was very enchanted by the baby.

As days grow into years, the little princess realized what an heir means. The baby grew into a lovely clever boy in the next 2 years. He became the favourite in the kingdom. Everyone wanted to play with him because he was the heir to the throne, the promise to a future kingdom. Nobody could find fault with him. The little princess felt very alone, nobody wanted to play with her since the arrival of the baby. The queen was too busy tending to the crying needs of her brother. The king was busy meeting his ministers in court discussing great matters. Nobody had time for her, so she played with her dolls and talked to them as if they could understand every word she said. She was good with stories...so she had the dolls acting in her countless short stories of knights and princesses, dragons and witches. She spent hours and hours playing this game.

The king was a kind and gentle man. He saw how lonely the little princess was, so he took some time away from his work to play with his little girl. She was the apple of his eye, he told her one day. The little princess was so happy that she cried in his arms, deep within she knew she was most loved by her father. As the days grew shorter, the queen became more and more bad-tempered. She didn't know what to do with the princess who always seem to get in her way, so she grabbed hold of anything that she could find and beat her each time she was naughty and defiant. The little princess could run and hide, but she was always found and given a good beating after that. She couldn't understand why the queen was so angry with her.

One day, as the queen started to chase the little princess down the corridors of the royal grounds, the king walked by and saw what had happened. The princess flew behind her father and begged for mercy, asking him to protect her from her angry mother. The king got beaten in the process of protecting his princess, and that got the queen even more mad than ever, but she loved the king dearly...and so she stopped her beating suddenly. The little princess ran into her room crying her heart out...she felt that she hated her brother, but she hated her mother even more..... She hugged her dolls so tightly and fell into a deep sleep.

To be continued !!!!!

That's What Friends Are For...

2005-09-13T13:00:00.000+08:00

To many people... friends are for a reason! For some people I have met, friends are the means to more business contacts. What are friends really for?

In the last two years, I saw many changes in my friendships with my closest friends. We weathered the storms by the skin of our teeth. There were some days I wondered if the storm will ever end... There are days when I thought were just glory days and wished to God that they would not end!

But all things change over time especially people... we are all growing at different stages in our lives... sometimes we say the things that hurt people inadvertently... sometimes we forget about drawing boundaries and keeping a distance to give space. Many times, we take each other for granted, thinking that they will always be there for us. To me, friends are like library books... we chose them because they interest us. Their personalities fascinate us... the longer we spend reading them, the more we find that they have their life stories to tell... and their lives mirror our struggles in our own lives. But at times, when the time is up, we have to give them up. So that others may enjoy their company too. If we are selfish and we keep them for ourselves, we will find the consequences to be quite a heavy fine on our emotional well being.

We cannot hold on to good friends... they may be here for a reason or a season. I have learnt to set them free... at the time that God is leading them away. Friends are not meant to be possessions... they are God's gifts to us to remind us how much He loves us and knows our needs for companionship. The irony is if you let them go, they will become your friends for a lifetime.

Today is my birthday. Today commemorates a very special day for me! I have had 3 very special presents - Discovered the meaning of a fulfilling friendship, the joy of having a sister and the magnitude of forgiveness. I also learnt the importance of giving and receiving love!

Thank you for listening to my story... I hope it has enriched you in some ways. Remember God knows exactly what you need in a friend. He will show you who he/she is and you will be so thankful for His thoughtfulness. Do not despair when there are misunderstandings or misconstrued situations, just offer everything up to God and He will make everything right!

He did just that for me in my story! I can testify that He kept me safe in a crazy world...

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength to believe in me again

"Safe in a Crazy World" by Corrinne May, 2003

Poem: Her Invisible Rain

2005-09-03T00:37:00.000+08:00

When the air is still and the hour is late,
She sits quietly in a dark corner of her rumpled bed.
In the background, the radio plays a soft but soulful tune …
A silent stream flows down her right cheek.
Invisible rain some people call it…
For no one has been allowed to see.

It is when a woman’s heart is utterly broken,
When her soul is diseased with loneliness,
When her mind is so encumbered with everyday worries,
When she has lost every single shred of hope,
And when she longs for a future that perpetually eludes her…
That is when you will sense her cry in silence!

But you will never see her cry…
For she hides all that pain deep within her.
In her own space, she releases that pain
Shattering her fragile spirit into a million pieces
Like internal volcanic eruptions
Like silent torrential rains… like waves of flood waters.
The painful encounter is felt over and over again…
How can men ever hope to understand it?

And if by pure chance, she allows you into this space of hers…
She must have accepted your existence in her life,
To ever permit you to see her in that vulnerable state.
Rejoice, rejoice in this revelation and be thankful…
But if you take for granted or scorn this delicate moment,
It shall be gone forever… then you will never see her cry
And you shall never truly know her.

Written by momoko (6.7.2000)

Specially dedicated to all women who cry silent tears,
and written for all men who find it hard to understand women.

Poem: Squirrel On the Move

2005-09-03T00:10:00.000+08:00

Once I saw a squirrel walking
Across the road his tail a-bobbing ,
One step, a hop and a skip.
Brown bushy tail with a graceful flip
Once embarked on this frightful adventure
No turning back for this daring road-dasher

Oh how he took his time
Was he contemplating his crime?
Just a few more leaps
A new tree-home for keeps
But what if he did not make it
Would it be worth this feat?

Any hesitation now would be fatal
Moving forward was vital
Zipping through the bustle
The ongoing traffic, oh what a hassle!
Two steps, three hops and a skip…
Safe from the danger in a mighty leap!

(28.5.2004)

I actually saw a squirrel cross the busy road just outside the YMCA Orchard.
I was shocked as I didn’t think he/she would survive this journey.
But squirrels are real survivors… this one was exceptional!

Poem: The Rose and the Crystal

2005-08-31T15:55:00.000+08:00

A rose is no longer a rose…
When taken from its mother plant
And placed in a vase.
We watch it die so slowly
As each petal falls from its base…

To allow something so sweet
To die in its natural state is unbearable indeed.
Ah… how we seek to possess its beauty constantly
To pluck a life that is not ours to take.
What a noble deed it all seems!

A crystal is but a crystal
Permanent in its form and properties
So precious in its natural value…
Yet it is no longer alive…
No more growing required to feed its soul!

In admiration of this ice-cold beauty
One would place it in a glass display.
And there it shall remain till the end of time
No more… no less… for the crystal cannot change
Frozen in its stagnant and unchanging state!

The path to new life is allowing the rose to live
Growing in the moist soil enriched by its predecessors
To brave the wind, sun and rain
To savour the spice of life
To live out its fullest potential
To re-live again and again.

The path to eternal death is simple but true
Be crystallised and that’s all it takes
Being fearful of life’s changes
Being caught in the past memories
Being self-condemned even before judgement is passed
To die over and over again.

(18.9.2000)

What is the difference between a rose and a crystal?
The answer is in their existence.
~ Anonymous ~

This poem was inspired by a question that was found in a booklet during a spiritual retreat in 1989. It was probably forgotten by most people who came across it. Yet, the beauty of the answer that came with the question became a philosophy of life! In truth, the answer often lies in the simplest things.

Korean Drama Series - Jewel in the Palace

2005-08-21T04:29:00.000+08:00

Some people think that drama series are a waste of time. Perhaps... perhaps... :) But I reckon that if you do have time to watch just one drama series... do watch the Korean "Jewel in the Palace" series.

I spent three days watching all 70 episodes. Am I mad? Yes, I guess so. I have been mad for a long time... meaning that I have enjoyed good storytelling for a while now. It has been a while since I watched a good show that lasted so many episodes. Honestly, I don't have the patience to sit through that many episodes without fast-forwarding some of the dialogues. Hehehe... but when it came to interesting tidbits about the art of cooking and herbal medicinal properties... I was utterly mesmerized. I stayed up a few of these nights just to watch the entire series. Even my mom was caught up with the series when it was the last 10 episodes.

Why? A good series brings you into the story... it allows you to immerse yourself into the whole character analysis of the protagonist and makes you laugh, get upset and angry and cry as well. I realised it was the protagonist's unfathomable resolve in getting to the bottom of every difficult situation that makes her such a lovable character. Her hardworking attitude makes me feel so ashamed of my own efforts in my dedication to my work.

Perhaps I want to be like her... perhaps I wish I was more like her. Perhaps... perhaps... The relationship between her and her beau reminds me about unconditional love. To love is not to possess one's mind, heart and body. To love to allow the person to become the person that God has intended for this person to be. To support this person most wholeheartedly in his / her endeavours that befit his / her vocation and calling.

Most of all, I was very touched by her devotion to her relationships with others. It is hard to forgive someone who has given you so much pain and suffering. Yet, we are called to forgive for God has already forgiven our future misdeeds. Forgiveness takes a lot of maturity. It does not require permission from the other party... all you need is to let go of that pain / hurt that is in your heart right now by offering it up to God. Allowing the pain to go makes way for healing to take place in the heart. I know it is difficult to let go of some of the hurts I had in my life experiences... I am no saint. I never claim to be one. Yet we are all asked to be more like our Father in Heaven. Sometimes I think God must be a good joker because the more I find it hard to let go / forgive, the more I encounter the similar kind of situations again.

Frankly, most of the episodes were ficitional according to the sources. But it doesn't matter... it was the values and characteristics of the protagonist that attracted me to it.

Love in Any Language

2005-07-04T00:16:00.000+08:00

Dear God,

Sometimes I feel that I speak of Love poorly, I don't know how to help people who are going through their own desert experience. I feel so inadequate and helpless. I learn that I cannot change their circumstances or their broken spirits... I learn that I don't have the right words to say to them. But Your Word alone is powerful healing... how do I bring Your Word to people?

You gave me the gift of teaching. You taught me how to teach to your people. I can only say as much in a short time that I am given. Yet, I know I have said enough in that short time. When everything is over, people come up to me to thank me. I don't feel any pride... instead I feel the peace that I have done my best in that short time to share Your heart with Your people. Perhaps that is what You mean by living Your Word. To encourage, to motivate and to comfort those who are around us.

Vision: Old Jug and New Jug

2005-07-01T00:04:00.000+08:00

God showed me a badly cracked up jug and it was all held together by the balm of the Holy Spirit. I could see Him holding it up and pouring water out of it into other cups and jugs. He said to me, "This is you... this is the old you. This is you held together by Grace. But now I am going to do something very drastic." Saying this, He broke the old and broken jug into many pieces. He started to mix the millions of pieces into the mirrey clay.

He said to me, "I want to show you something." He showed me a new jug. A beautifully formed jug that pours out more water. It is strong enough to hold the Living Waters in it. I saw that jug poured out a steady and strong stream of water. God says to me, "This is the new you... this is who you are... this is what I want you to be... I don't want you to be the same old Anne. The sins that were in your past can no longer hold you down. You are made new again by my hands. Remember this well!!!!

4 Aug 2004

I love yellow roses!

2005-06-10T12:40:00.000+08:00

This was taken with my digicam.

Mom said this was plucked from her collection of roses outside our home.

So beautiful, yeah? I love yellow roses and I love receiving them.

Last night, I saw a girl holding a bunch of yellow roses, it was given by her boyfriend.

I looked at them longingly and wished that it was me who had them.

Ha! It's okay, I have this memory of a yellow rose! *grins*

Grand Canyon

2005-06-10T12:34:00.000+08:00

One of God's creative inspirations!

Dream: The Key and the Wallet

2005-06-10T12:11:00.000+08:00

Last night, I had a dream.

I dreamt about being in school again.
I dreamt about being in the graduating class.
I was given a special key by my teacher.
She told me I could put my wallet in there.
I went to check out the lockers.
They all looked alike... those lockers.

I finally found my locker.
The key kind of fits.
But when I opened it,
it was filled with comic books.
What a bonus?! Or is it?
It was filled to the brim.

I wanted to put my wallet in there.
Lost?! Where is my wallet?
I can't find it, where did I put it?
I hunted for it high and low.
Nowhere in sight?!
Did I leave it somewhere else?

There, under the table lies my wallet.
There, under the desk was my precious.
I did not lose it after all.
Somehow it was not meant to be locked up.
Perhaps that is why it got lost.
Perhaps that is why it got under the desk.

I thought for a while today. Trying to see what this dream meant to me. When my dream develops into a plot, I know my subsconscious mind is telling me something. I know the key and the wallet are significant objects. The key seems to represent an opportunity that I am given. The wallet is a manifestation of my heart. The lockers may represent the people I met in my life. It is hard for me to understand what is really going on, but it is making sense to me somehow.

Poem: Understand This

2005-06-10T11:48:00.000+08:00

How we long to be understood…
To be known by another human being.
How difficult it is for us to transcribe
Those confusing thoughts and feelings.

For when I am accepted for who I am…
For once, I feel safe to be ME!
So tired with your frivolous games…
Shall I proceed to retreat into my shell?

In the first week, we would be enamoured.
By the next month, I would feel a sudden alienation…
Please do not say ”I had a busy week!"
For it would only increase my exasperation!

Learn to understand this…
This is the inner voice crying out in all of us.
That deeper need of understanding and acceptance
Of who we are and what we can become…

momoko (3.12.2000)

More women are complaining about their men who failed to understand their dispositions.
They continue to seek acceptance and love from anyone who is willing to take more steps in learning about them. These women resign themselves to the fate of being misunderstood or even ignored. A male friend once told me that a man would need to fight fiercely with his mind in order to allow his heart to listen for once! My heartfelt sentiments exactly!

It's all about LOVE!

2005-05-16T20:49:00.000+08:00

Dear Friend,

When you ask God for love, does He give you a person who claims that he is in love with you forever? How does one deal with that? Lately, a guy calls me up out of the blue and claims that he has been waiting for a year to tell me that he loves me and wants to pick up where he left off a year ago. I don't even remember his face, let alone what I felt about him a year ago? How do I know what I am supposed to feel when I meet up with someone like that? I don't even think I am ready to meet. I told myself this... if this is a man worthy of my love, he will wait for me. He will know that I can't just pick up where I left off when I don't even remember where that was. He will understand that I need to get to know him once again if we are to start afresh.

Frankly, I don't know if I got it all wrong... but I know if I don't slow him down, the whole process is rushed through and there will be some kind of problems... I know that much about this process called love. When God first created Adam, he didn't create Eve immediately. He gave some time to Adam to understand his needs. He gave Adam time to discover that he needs a mate worthy of his love. He gave Adam a chance to feel lonely and be alone. I know I have given myself enough time to understand loneliness and being alone. Am I ready to embark on the next part of the journey of love? When God found that it was not right for Adam to be lonely, He gave Adam the woman of his heart, Eve by shaping her from a bone from his side. God knew that Eve would be just right for Adam as she was part of him already. God knew that Eve would be able to understand Adam for she would be able to read his thoughts, emotions and feelings as they are attuned to each other.

Do I worry that I won't recognize my Adam when he comes? I am only certain that when he appears, he would be someone familiar... someone whom my heart will recognise... someone that makes me want to thank God hundreds and thousands of times for creating him. In the meantime, I will keep my eyes focussed on God, my first love!

Out On The Edge!

2005-03-22T23:47:00.000+08:00

Those who know me well know that I dislike walking on planks. Especially if it is placed across a drain and I had to walk across it to get to the other side. Last night, it happened again. I had to cross a plank to get to this place to listen to a talk. As I got nearer to the area where the plank was... I saw the steep sandy slope leading to the plank. I told myself... okay this is going to take awhile for me to get across. I felt my tears welling up because I know this is the worst thing to happen... I was about to be late for my talk and I can't cross this hurdle by myself.

My last resort was to call my friend who sent her boyfriend... My hero! Sigh... it was terribly embarassing! But my panic was real... this is my saddest reality. I felt like I was a 5 year old standing there. Finally, after much encouragement and coercion, I managed to walk over the plank. Now it wasn't so hard, was it? He said to me in a cheery manner... My heart was still pumping from the horrible reality. All I knew was I had to walk fast so that I don't have to get stuck in the middle of the plank.

Tonight I am still thinking about this... my friend's boyfriend asked me... why am I so afraid of walking across the plank? It was just a plank... To him, it was just a plank. To me, it was a mountain that I had to climb. It was a real high mountain. I was glad I did not cry after the experience. But deep inside I know I have cried a thousand times. I know I am brave for many things in life... but yet, a plank can stumble me so easily. Just a plank????

The problem is I was quite upset with myself... for being such a coward. It was just a plank! So many people walked past me and must have thought how silly I was to be afraid of this plank. Then I realised that it is okay to panick and feel afraid. Well, if life is full of such "planks"... then we all have to stand there and panick for a while... there are times we cope with it and there are times we cry about it. There are times when we stand there hoping to find some kind soul to give a helping hand. Somehow things will get better... and we can get over it if we put our trust in the person who is helping us.

When I crossed over the plank, I laughed loudly and felt silly. But when I was standing there... I felt the whole world has crashed... and I couldn't imagine crossing it. All I was thinking was to turn around and go home. How often do you wish to give up just at the point when you have done all you can but still no news of success? To wait is the most excruciating thing to do... when you don't even know if success is just around the corner... or when you don't even know when is your next meal. The truth is we can cross the plank somehow... if only we look ahead. Then we see the light at the end of that tunnel, we see the rewards just waiting for us, shining in the light of God's glory.

It was a most rewarding talk. I enjoyed it tremendously. Most of all, I crossed another plank in my life. I still don't look forward to cross more planks, but now I shall not say, "Oh no, not another plank!". Instead I shall say, "Help me, God to cross this plank!"

Poem: Journey

2005-03-20T02:32:00.000+08:00

From the moment we exist
We are here for a reason.
With time we will learn
A lifetime to discover
Who we are called to be

In the midst of this journey
I have wandered far and wide
When I fall and hurt myself
Is this worth everything?
Can I find my way back home?

Take one step at a time
Each lasting breath…
One wholesome life
Listen to your inner voice
Learn to trust your heart

Oh how many faces I greet
Along Life’s journey
They are the reasons to live
They have the freedom to go
Not mine to hold

What is truly mine?
Nothing can be kept away.
Everything dies in its own time
The process starts all over again
As sure as the sun will rise.

By momoko (2.4.2003)

Poem: Of Dreams and Promises

2005-03-20T02:30:00.000+08:00

What lies behind a dream
Is the beauty of a promise

What lies inside a cave
Is the core of a heart

What lies beneath the stars
Is the waiting for hope

What lies beyond the sunset
Is the search for truth

What lies among the lilies?
Is the love of the Provider

What lies within God’s will
Is the path that built character

What brings us closer to God
Is the revelation of what is missing

What brings us deeper to Life
Is the realization of what is given

By momoko (14.9.2004)

The poem was inspired by Mark Gorman who preached about God’s Promises and His Will.

Poem: Live By Faith

2005-03-20T02:24:00.000+08:00

I cannot see Your Hand
I cannot feel You, my Friend
By what faith can I live by
When life is so full of strife.

I live by my own wits
I live to serve my needs
All my life I have got
Misfortune as my lot

Perhaps I want it all
Counting each step when I fall
Maybe I am not fated
To receive what the bible stated

He says not by your might
Not by merit, or birthright
Faith is your heart responding
To my Love freely yielding

He says come and receive
Let go and believe
For I am real and alive
Embrace the gift of Life

(by momoko, 3.6.2004)

It is easy to base our faith on feelings and spiritual experiences… and when these feelings and experiences disappear, we start to doubt if God is real. My friend says she is not ready to be in church because she has not enough faith. Faith is not measured by units or efforts. Faith is the response in gratitude to our Lord and Saviour for His sacrificial love for us on that afternoon in Calvary. If faith is to be measured, then let it grow in time and space and be overwhelmed by winds and floods… it is so immense… it cannot be expressed adequately by mere words.

Poem: Longing

2005-03-20T02:21:00.000+08:00

Oh friend, I want to be home…
Stuck in this foreign place
Missing all who are over there
Not knowing when is my time to go
Oh… I just want to know
Walking around so aimlessly
Just counting down each minute

Oh God, I long to be home
Placed in this land with grace
Missing all who have passed on
Not knowing when I would get to go
Oh how I long to know
Walking daily with Jesus
Just counting down each day

momoko (11.6.2004)

Being stuck in the Kansai Airport for 5 hours made me homesick quite suddenly. Sitting in the plane and watching the monitor telling me how far I am away from home was quite a strange feeling. I have always enjoyed going away and “running away from home”. But this time, I just wanted to get home. Perhaps this also prompted me to think about the parallel between us and Heaven. Although I don’t know when I will be home with God, I am sure glad I know where I am going when I pass on and who I am going to meet.

Poem: The Gift

2005-03-18T00:26:00.000+08:00

If I’ve brought you an expensive gift,
And not given you a priceless message
It would bring you temporal joy
And leave me with dissatisfaction.

If I’ve chatted with you for many hours
And not shared with you about Jesus
It would give you such emptiness
And afflict me with a sense of loss

When the gift is insignificant,
Often the giver is easily forgotten.
Yet the truth of the matter is…
The gift is but the extension of the giver.

When the giver is generous,
Often the gift is deemed as important
Yet the matter of the fact is…
The heart is the inspiration of the gift.

Last year, God asked me for a gift
To give to Jesus uninhibitedly
My complex life that is so ordinary
To exchange for love that is overflowing!

Last night, God asked me to be a giver
To share with you ever so freely
My Saviour’s life that is so extraordinary
To savour life that is everlasting!

by momoko (26.12.2004)

This year, I could hardly afford any gifts for anyone as I have not been working for the whole month of December. I felt sad because there are many things I would love to buy for people, and yet, I remember about the importance of giving from the heart... There are a few of them that I didn’t expect to have a gift from them... they took me by surprise. I have been so busy with my rehearsals that I didn’t think much about presents this year as well. But I think it is never too late to give a gift. So I would like to give you a gift of God-inspired words. I was very much inspired by Pastor Dom’s sermon about the gift and the giver. His analogy about Nemo’s father, Marlin being likened to our Heavenly Father, his relentless pursuit to find Nemo touched my heart. It reminded me how God has pursued me with such love and devotion despite my stubbornness in the past few years.

Poem: Being Alone

2005-03-17T01:09:00.000+08:00

Night falls as she sits alone by herself.
For once she is no longer afraid…
To seek a sense of integrity and inner peace.
For she finally understands and accepts,
The difference between loneliness and being alone…

How easy it is to be misled,
By flighty feelings and innate desires.
How vulnerable human beings can be?
To trust only the beating heart…
To allow people to manipulate our lives.

Once again she is naturally alone…
Far beyond the fiery sunset…
Somewhere amidst the lushful trees…
Out there in the deep blue sea,
A fragment of her dream unfulfilled…

Being with someone for the wrong reasons:
For the fear of being lonely
and growing old alone….
Holding on to broken dreams
and shattered hopes…
A case of misplaced pride and self-dignity…
Entrapping the person
into a temporary relationship…

Being alone for the right reasons:
To be by oneself so as to gain insight,
To be at peace with one's soul.
To accept solitude as the part
and parcel of life,
To allow silence to be one's teacher.

Once again, she is alone in her space.
Once again she sits and waits quietly
For the familiar tune that plays continuously…
For the meaning of her current life to see…
Being alone is not so bad after all.

(By momoko, 30/5/2000)

For many years, I wondered about this thing called loneliness and I have come to recognise that it is not the same as being alone. Loneliness is the endless emptiness within a soul... of not having a beloved one to hug or being listened to and understood. Being alone is the choice of having solitude within a given time to ponder and reflect about one's own life. Yet, this idea of being alone just vexes me all the time, because there is a very thin line between loneliness and being alone. I don't think it is a good idea to dwell in self pity when one is lonely. Yet, it is not a good thing to choose to be alone all the time either. No man is an island... no man stands alone!

The question is how do we find the right balance? I think it is important to know who we are deep inside. It means that we need to know if we are the type that needs companionship, the type that needs space or the type that needs solitude! We need to claim that for ourselves. When I hear about other people's sad love stories, I find myself asking the person... are you comfortable with being alone? do you know the difference between loneliness and being alone?

Really... how many of us can stand being lonely for long periods of time? How many of us understand the need to be alone? When I look back at my own life, I see the times when I am lonely... I made the most mistakes. When I see the times when I am alone, I made the best decisions! So there are good reasons to be alone after all...

Hence, my inspiration for this poem...

NB: This poem has inspired a song that was written by my friend, Eu Jin and it is now recorded in the album "Picture of Us" currently sold in all CD shops and stores!

Poem: Cry… My Beloved Child

2005-03-06T21:05:00.000+08:00

I have failed the tests
I have spent all my money
I have lived my wild life
I have tried my best
Daddy, will you still love me?

I can’t be your good child
I can’t stand being told what to do
I can’t help running away
I can’t stand your nagging
Mummy, will you still love me?

I need more time
I need my space
I need to breathe
I need to take control
Dear, will you still love me?

When I look at you
When I see myself
When I stay away
When I come home
God, will you still love me?

By momoko (6.3.2005)

I wrote this during a recent 3-day workshop I attended. I found the inner voices so loud that I could only write them out into a poem in order to make sense of them. Perhaps there is something that you can identify which resonates with being your inner child.

Speechless!

2005-03-06T20:59:00.000+08:00

It feels good to be home. When I came back from Arizona, I was sick with a throat infection that lasted for my whole trip. I felt quite irritated since I could not even make much sounds with my scratchy throat. The whole trip was just me trying to get better each day. It made me remember of the time I almost lost my voice during my uni days. For a few days, I could not speak at all. That was the most helpless feeling I have ever felt and losing my ability to speak was a nightmare for me. I felt like... this is it! This is the end of my world... what happens if it is permanent? If I can't ever sing again. Why do I feel so powerless?

Finally, I am well again. I can speak volumes now. But do I speak with love and care? Many times I can open my mouth but end up saying the wrong things or making no sense at all. How many times do I say but not do something? How many times do I speak with fear and tentativeness in case I offend someone? How many times when I know the truth is with me and yet I keep silent because I do not believe in it enough to share it with my friend? Perhaps today as I speak to you, listen to what I have to say and not said... ask me questions if you feel that I have not said enough.

Perhaps then I will learn to let go and let the truth comes out. :)

Flying to Arizona!

2005-02-22T01:18:00.000+08:00

I am sitting here trying not to fall asleep as I know I will be really sleepy when I get to 3am. I am flying off to Arizona for a symposium on Playback Theatre with my best pal, Agnes. I felt like there are tons of things I have not done... but I can't be worrying now. Just know that God will take care of everything while I am away and He will carry me through any situation.

I can't wait to meet my old pals in Playback too... it has been two years since we last met up in the School of Playback in NY. Much of my excitement stems from the fact that it is hard for people like me and Agnes who have so little chances to meet up with our peers in USA or UK. Well, I hope some people from different parts of the States are coming... it would really be nice to have a good reunion! *yawn yawn*

Oh oh... now I am getting really sleepy! Die lah... how to keep awake now??? hahaha... perhaps I should go and wash my face! Hmmm... going to look for something to munch too...

Hey people... I see you all in 9 days time!

Poem: Bird in a Café

2005-02-17T16:09:00.000+08:00

Silently she treads…
Between crossed legs and brown cane chairs,
Among endless chats and joyful laughter,
A tasty morsel here and a quick sip there.

Swiftly she darts…
Towards the fallen bits and pieces.
Amidst some watchful eyes and curious smiles,
Lunch, dinner or perhaps supper later!

What a bold figure she makes;
What an impressive sight to behold!
Fearless feathered heroine…
Out to seek her little fortune.

With a powerful leap and a mighty bound;
With unlimited grace and impeccable style!
Perched on a ledge she proclaims…
"Another successful mission is complete!"

And with the twit of a soulful tune,
She disappears in the faceless crowd.
In future time, she shall re-appear…
When the moment is right and the yearning is clear.

(13.3.2000)

Poem: Squirrel On the Move

2005-02-17T16:04:00.000+08:00

Once I saw a squirrel walking
Across the road his tail a-bobbing,
One step, a hop and a skip.
Brown bushy tail with a graceful flip
Once embarked on this frightful adventure
No turning back for this daring road-dasher

Oh how he took his time
Was he contemplating his crime?
Just a few more leaps
A new tree-home for keeps
But what if he did not make it
Would it be worth this feat?

Any hesitation now would be fatal
Moving forward was vital
Zipping through the bustle
The ongoing traffic, oh what a hassle!
Two steps, three hops and a skip…
Safe from the danger in a mighty leap!

(28.5.2004)

I actually saw a squirrel cross the busy road just outside the YMCA Orchard.
I was shocked as I didn’t think he/she would survive this journey.
But squirrels are real survivors… this one was exceptional!

Poem: When Sparky Came To School

2005-02-17T15:12:00.000+08:00

One fine morning, I took Sparky for a ride
On the local bus, where his basket was by my side.
He sat in there and meowed his heart out,
Wondering what this terrible journey was about.
Commuters smiled as they watched the commotion,
With all that shoosh-ing and meowing with emotion.
I started to have a bad feeling on the way…
About bringing Sparky to school on a working day!

When Sparky came to visit the school,
He huddled in a corner of his basket like a trembling fool.
It was clear to see that this was not what he thought…
Although I tried to interest him with the wonderful toys I got.
But he was not impressed and ran to hide himself,
Crawling and searching behind my book shelf.
There he sat snuggled between the shelf and the wall.
Four times I crawled through to grab him, cursing under my breath and all.

When Sparky came to class,
Oh the special kids, see how they would fuss!
Petting him and stroking his ears…
Strange enough, he chased away their fears.
But poor little Sparky, the attention was too much!
Soon he shivered and shrank from each loving touch.
I saw him running away from every eager hand,
I decided it was time to rescue my poor feline friend!

When Sparky came to school that Monday morning,
I rushed home quickly in a yellow cab that very evening!
Scowling in his basket, he made his displeasure known,
Having had enough that day, I told him in a most frustrated tone,
“Okay, okay… you are on your way home…
And this is the express flight to Rome!”
Out of the basket, he scampered around the house in delight.
Oh… my decision to bring him to school was indeed a lack of foresight!

(26.7.2000)

2005-02-17T15:10:00.000+08:00

This is Ah Heng (means Lucky in Hokkien dialect) my youngest cat... he is full of funny antics whenever I leave him alone. He doesn't like cuddles at all, but yearns for people to stroke him. He hides under my bed whenever I am not home and sleeps there for the whole day on my green suitcase. Sometimes my mom panicks when she can't find him, you see... he is very special. He has been most lucky or "blessed" because he was left dying after a vicious fight with the neighbourhood cats. Mom said that the lady that picked him up found him half dead and it is a miracle that he is alive and well today. Whenever I look at the cats in my neighbourhood, I can't help but feel that Ah Heng is very blessed to have food, shelter and people to stroke him whenever he wants it.

Poem: A Walkabout in The Rain

2005-02-16T12:57:00.000+08:00

I started with a reflection
A humbling confession
A revealing soul
Then I had a revelation

I started with a revelation
A praying community
A wandering spirit
Then I had a chat

I started with a chat
A burning desire
A yearning heart
Then I took a walk

I started with a walk
A pondering mind
A refreshing downpour
Then I had a reflection

(24.11.2003)

How does one continue after being received into the open arms of a loving Father? The call to serve becomes so real when the reflections became revelations! Words from a much needed walk… rained upon a faith-inspired day.

2005-02-16T12:54:00.000+08:00

my playback theatre friends

Why do I love Playback Theatre?

2005-02-16T10:45:00.000+08:00

I fell in love with playback theatre when I learnt it from Bev in 2002. Today, I am struggling to keep it as part-time work. The truth is as much as I love it, I don’t know if I want to make it my only career. I love doing playback and will always enjoy learning more about it. I am even crazy enough to go to Arizona to attend the symposium when I am barely making ends meet. I am going on pure faith. I must be crazy! But I always believe that it is important to enjoy doing the things I do. Even if I don’t have much, I can still depend on my God who provides me everything.

I want to remember this: I do playback theatre because it is about life. I do playback because it draws me closer to human experiences. I do it because I create a loving environment with the playback skills I learnt. I am but one of the channels that facilitates the inner healing to take place. I want to do my best in giving to people a playback experience. If there is anyone who is crazy, that is me! I think I am mad because I give almost everything to do playback theatre. But I truly believe that God has a greater purpose for me when He gave me playback theatre. Now I can only walk one step behind Him and follow His directions.

I need to write this out so that I won’t forget why I do what I do. How many times must I remind myself? I really don’t know… I know that I won’t forget to say thank you God for giving me playback theatre!

Poem: If You Could

2005-02-16T10:28:00.000+08:00

If you could paint a picture
Would you give it lots of colours?
Would it have a dash of blue and pink,
Or a splash of yellow and green?
Could you fill it up with many faces…
Full of expressions and emotions?
Could you hide the canvas in lushful greens?
To recreate the tapestry of Life!

If you could compose a song
Would it be a symphony of voices?
Would it have lighter notes?
Cheery words and meaningful phrases…
Could you overflow it with melodious harmony?
Would you infuse the sheets with rhythmic tempo,
To rejuvenate the spirit of Music!

If you could write a poem
And retell the stories you have heard…
Would it boast of adventures and friendships,
Romances and nostalgic memories?
Could you have words that comfort and encourage
Rhymes that tease and cajole?
To revitalize the promise of Language!

If only you could…
If only we would…
Then we would understand,
Then we would make a stand.
Well… I know I would!
Would you? Could you?

(15.5.2000)

I wrote the first part of this poem in a friend's birthday card. Then I got inspired and decided to finish writing by adding on. I really feel that it is important to find our own ways in expressing our joys, sadness, fears and pain and to do it with such gusto!

Finally, I did it!

2005-02-16T09:55:00.000+08:00

Finally, I succumb to the temptation of printing my thoughts and poems out there. I have never liked the idea of displaying myself out there to the world. Part of me think that this is scary, the other parts just say Go for it! Whatever it is... I am just taking one day at time. I just hope that what I write would make sense to myself and give someone something to chew on.

Today is a milestone for me! :)